Monday, 9 May 2011

Christ ...... Is It Really Easter??

Monday 25th April, (Easter Monday)  I dreamt that I was asked to Buckingham Palace, by someone I knew (Can't recall who though) Somehow they had blagged, getting to design an outfit for Kate Middleton, but unlike myself, they didn't have a clue about fashion designing, or cutting a pattern. So they wanted me along, to save the day (I don't recall asking them, if I was going to get any money for my help, although it seemed that, I certainly wouldn't be getting any credit for the design) Kate wanted a sheer black top, under a grey mix, tweed, waist-coat, with lapels & a matching straight skirt just above the knee, with a 3" sheer black inserted stripe, at mid thigh level, with a row of silver rivets either side of the stripe along the edge of the tweed. 

My friend did a god awful sketch, of a interpretation of what Kate wanted, with no seams, buttons, darts or pockets featured. Kate looked confused, I couldn't blame her, as it was a mess & if it was made up, as drawn, you would not of been able to get into the garment! So I quickly sketched, what I felt Kate wanted, myself & she was very happy with the result & said that it was exactly what she had envisioned. My friend shot me a dirty look, god knows why? As I'd just saved her hide, she would not of got the job, with the blob she'd just drawn.

I thought I bet she (My friend) now gives my drawing to a tailor, or a dressmaker relative who can make it for her & then charges a fortune as if she has done it herself! Then I was with a guy who looked like the main guy in 'Police Academy' crossed with one of the Belushi actors (Not the 'Blue's Brothers' One!) He had made me some kind of friendship bracelet & I was in his house & it had all sorts of dogs in it , big & small, all really cute & friendly! 

Then I was in an Exercise class, I was warming up for the class, doing stretches on a mat, and I laid down & closed my eyes to do a long stretch, when I felt the heavy weight of a man on-top of me, with his mouth pressing hard on mine & hands groping, I quickly pushed him off. But when I opened my eyes there was nobody there! I'm not sure if that was part of my dream, or if I was the victim of a *incubus while I slept (*A randy ghost/spirit/demon that kisses, gropes & even penetrates it's victims in bed) Weird as it sounds, I've had incubus experiences, in other homes, when I was Not Asleep!

I woke at 9am, had a wash & had Sultana Bran & a Diet Coke for breakfast, then I changed into my grey 3/4 gym trousers & pale grey diamanté trimmed vest top & slipped on my TrimSoles & popped to the shop for my Sun paper as per usual. Today is Easter Monday, Not that you'd know it by the TV listings, BBC1 has nothing Easter related (Unless you count 'Chicken Run' due to its Egg 'Easter Egg' connection) 

BBC2 also had nothing Easter related, ITV, Ch4, also nothing!! Channel 5 had the film 'King Of Kings' though, so they at least gave a nod to it being, a Christian time of celebration. I'm not a practising Christian, but I do think the country & the country's 5 main TV stations especially the pious BBC, should give some nod to the day being a Christian celebration. As we are supposedly a Christian Country, not that you'd know it, now that councils (Since Labour 1st got into power) try to wipe out anything vaguely Christian, for fear of offending other faiths (Who Cares??.... If they're offended by our Christian Festivals/Holidays, they can fuck right off, to any non Christian Country of their choice!!) 

I did a load of Job & audition searches online & then applied for a bunch of both! Then I did some online surveys, it's very sunny out but its bitter cold in the icy wind. I had lunch of a home made vegetable hotpot, with a wholemeal roll & a coffee after, for lunch. Then I did the washing up & put a black wash in the washing machine. I then did 50 squats against the wall, with my Swiss ball in my back to stop my bad back getting worse. Then I did a few chores, plus some more job searches, before I watched the soaps then made a light dinner of, two wholemeal pittas filled with Tabouli salad, with some feta crumbled on top & a coffee to wash it down. I did the washing up then I watched the brilliant 'Hotel Inspector' where an Ex St Albans couple, are running a B&B in Ross-On-Wye, with rather quirky tastes in décor!! 

That was followed by 'The Royal Wedding Crashers' where Z listers are either conned into thinking they are doing a VT that is going to be shown at William & Kate's wedding reception, or that they are actually invited to the Royal Wedding after another celebrity has had to pull out (Like they did to Andrew Stone) It was a pretty dire, boring, show. The funniest moment was, when they asked Andrew Stone, if there was anyone who might be there, who he'd rather not be sat next to? & He replied with 'David Van Day' because he found him 'An Energy Vampire!!' PML!!! Then I watched the brilliant 'The Event' love that show, brilliant acting & then as I had to be up early I went to bed with the paper at midnight 

The paper said that police tried to trick Honeymoon murder suspect groom Shrien Dewani into South Africa, it was claimed yesterday. They let him leave 3 days after her murder, but on realising he was a suspect, they invited him back, to identify objects recovered after the carjacking,  

Jordan (Katie Price) survived a bad car accident in Argentina after the 4by4 Leandro was driving, hit & killed two horses that bolted into its path from nowhere, the horses death was devastating to horse loving, horse ridding Jordan.

Tuesday 26th April, woke at 7.30am when alarm went off, despite having a restless nights sleep, after falling asleep some time after 3am. My sleep was so restless I don't recall any dream, if I had one. I got up jumped in the bath & scrubbed & exfoliated, then got out & moisturised. I slipped on my paisley strapless long summer dress & a jacket (As unlike yesterday its very cold & windy out) Then popped to the shop, with wet hair, to get a paper & a Diet Coke & a pack of Twiglets to take to Endimol with me, in case I got peckish as I waited. I saw my neighbour Simon outside the shop with his dog Bobbie, who I always make a fuss of. I had some Sultana Bran & a Diet Coke for breakfast, then I did my make-up & dried my hair,  Just as I finished I got a knock on the door. 

May 2009 In My Paisley Dress, With Candie

It was the postman with my redelivered mystery parcel, from a friend. Ooh what is it? It was very well wrapped so prolonged the suspense, as It took some time to open, but I could tell it was very aromatic, it smelt a lot like my favourite Decleor Algae bath soak, that I haven't treated myself to in years. 

I wasn't far off, it was a set of South African Bath Goodies (I have a lot of friends from Cape Town, my Nick-name Evil Barbie was given to my by my SA friend Bryden) Bath salts, soap, moisturiser & a bag of Cadbury's mini eggs (So I did kinda get a Easter egg this year after all!!) With a Card inside, and I was really surprised by the cards contents!! There was the sweetest message, thanking me for being such a good friend, which really made me feel my friendship was appreciated. 

Sometimes you feel that due to circumstances you can't be anything more than a pair of ears, to listen when friends need to talk, or a fun distraction from their bad day, or a form of moral support & it never seems much to offer, but when cards/little parcels like today's turn up, you feel sometimes maybe doing something that small, can mean a lot, to some. 

Shame it didn't arrive a bit earlier, because I would of used it in today's bath. Shortly after my front door started rattling & it was the letting agents handy man putting my keyhole surround back on the door which he'd removed to paint (well done it's only taken you 10 months) after constant requests from me (As locking it was tricky when the key wobbled in the big hole) He'd said that the keyhole surround, made no difference, the door was warped which was causing the locking problems! Funny then, that now its back on, the door locking problem, from that supposed warped door, no longer exists.... he's f**king warped not the soddin door !!!

It really is bitter cold today & very grey out I think it might rain so I made sure I put my retractable umbrella in my bag along with a black pair of court shoes. I had some cashews & a cheese pitta for an early lunch & continued with last weeks blog and finally finished it, saved it all, with only the pictures to add now (Which later will turn out to have been a total waste of time, when 80% of it gets wiped off, by Blogger when posted on Wednesday night) after 8hrs adding pics, despite it all having been saved repeatedly!

At 1pm I changed out of my paisley dress & into my black version of Marilyn Monroe's halter-neck 'Seven Year Itch' dress, I put hair half up, and added my curly faux ponytail, peacock feather print earrings & my yellow shrug to keep back warm under my coat, and wore my long flat boots (which I will change out of, once I'm at Endimol) I pulled on my floor length warm military coat, as its bitter cold out (Its odd to think I was sunbathing yesterday) And I headed out the door to walk to the station at 1.30pm

I got to the station and saw my usual BR admirer, had a bit of a chat and got a travel card to London for £15 getting a receipt, so I can get my fare refunded. Two trains had been cancelled & the next was running late, so it was just as well I'd left home in plenty of time!!! I caught the fast train to London reading the paper en route.

Once at Kings Cross, I got the Victoria Line to Oxford Circus, where I changed onto the Central Line to Shepherds Bush, Arriving for my 3.30pm appointment at 3pm I went to the 5th floor and as I entered the Endimol reception I ran into Sarah (Who I worked with) on 'Louie Spence's Showbusiness' who squealed with surprise at seeing me there, & gave me a great big hug, asking what I was doing? & so I explained about 'Odd One In' She said she was working on the new relationship show with Barney (Who I worked with) on '24hr Quiz' I said to say 'Hi' to him if I don't see him. She asked how Nerissa & Ian was & what they were up to? So I told her, then one of the 'Odd One In' girls came over & said 'Hi' & whisked me off to the chill out lounge, after reimbursing my travel expenses. 

I filled in my release form & chilled out in the chill out area, with a coffee & last weeks Heat Magazine (The one with Peter Andre on the cover, spilling the beans about his split with Jordan & Ellen, plus claiming to wanting to be a bad boy now & remain single & just have fun with da ladies from now on!) The One with the 'The Only Way Is Essex' girls Supposedly without make-up (Lauren Goodger had tattooed on eyebrows *that looked bloody awful* as well as dyed lashes & tinted lip salve, Lydia who looks better without the make-up, still had lash extensions in & either a thin line of liquid liner on top lids, or tattooed eyeliner, plus tinted lip salve and Sam had smoky grey pencil along top of lashes & tinted lip salve so none of them were totally make-up free, as claimed as per usual, in these type of articles)

I was just fixing my 2nd Coffee, when who should walk in but Nigel, (Who was in Losing It with me) It turns out that he is also on the show, which is why he'd called me on Thursday. He like Sarah & I, is being mysterious about his role (which I think is more fun!) While chatting to Nigel, I discovered that my friend Ian's Nemesis, Graham Winstone-Peters (Coach Trip, 4 Weddings etc) Who I have also worked with, is also doing 'Odd One In' So with Sarah Dorsett too, that means that 3 people I know (so far) are on 'Odd One In' along with me & two of us were in the film 'Losing It' and 2-3 of us will be in 'The Fortune Teller' 

 Some Of 'Losing It's' Cast

I was just chatting to Nigel, when Jay walked in (Who I worked with) on 'Is It Just Me?' & 'Hit The Road Jack', he said to make sure I stayed single, as they would be starting the next 'Take Me Out' in July (Which he also works on, I couldn't do it last year as I was on 'Louie Spence's Showbusiness') He was also working on another new comedy show, that he thought I was good for, and said he'd email me the details. 

It wasn't until 4.30pm that I got called through to do my bit of filming for the TV executives (A hour later than the appointment, which is the norm in this business!!) I was called in to do my VT with two other guys, who were also claiming the same claim as me. A thin guy in his 20's and a pensioner, we all did our bit to camera claiming to be, what we all claimed to be & the pensioner kept getting tongue tied & missing 'The' out of the claim, Then we all had to tell our bit to VT on how we claimed to be/to do what we claimed to be/do.... 

The young lad was quite nervy & took about 6 takes to get the chosen take, he could then leave. I did two takes one longer one shorter & then could leave, which I did, so I don't know how the old boy did?? I said goodbye to everyone, then I left & text Nat to see if he was about? But I know Tuesdays are usually his quiz nights, he text he was out for the night, so no doubt he was off to his quiz night. Well I can't go home until 7pm on my off peak ticket, so I text Simon & Ian to say I'd just finished filming & were they around? Simon never answered, maybe he's loved up & preoccupied, Ian said to meet him at his place, so I set off to Stockwell. I got to Ian's & said a brief 'Hello' to his new, lesbian house-mate, then we set off into Clapham North & had a drink outside, in the now hot sun, finding free seats outside a local bar, chatting to a group of locals.

The locals were quite a good laugh & we swapped funny stories while I downed my cider & then Ian seduced me to come along to his Pub Quiz Night, so we popped on the train to Wandsworth & got to the Pub, that was not far off Wandsworth Common, it was a nice area lots of 4x4 cars around. The pub was really nice, really big, but really empty & I went to the ladies as soon as we got in, as cider goes straight through me. 

Ian Introduced himself to the staff & I soon found out why it was so empty!!! A pint of Strongbow Cider & a Large Glass of Pinot Grigio cost £10.75 WTF!!!!! Normally in St Albans a Pint of Strongbow is around the £2 -£3 mark tops!! & even at a very expensive £4 a pint, that would make the wine £6.75 a glass, Madness!! 

It was cheaper in central London!!! Meanwhile the 19-20yr old cute barman, with long hair seemed mesmerised by me for some reason? (or by my cleavage!) in that really sweet innocent, totally unaware way, so that they are being really obvious, like a Junior school kid, with a crush on their teacher. 

It was so blatant even Ian noticed & then he pissed himself laughing, when he saw the lad was down on the Till as Dom Jovie. Dom kept finding excuses to come over to me, while I was sat at the bar, would I like some ice for the cider? do I want a beer mat? a straw? etc & then subtly lead conversation, where I'd give it away if Ian was my Boyfriend/Husband, too too funny, but sweet!! It seemed there was not going to be enough people to hold a pub quiz tonight, which wasn't the end of the world for Ian, as Ian still got paid for it either way. Ian went outside for a ciggy, while waiting to see if any more customers were going to show up. While I sat at a table inside in the warm, as it had got quite blowy & cool again outside!


Meanwhile Dom Jovie had me in stitches, he kind of came out of the bar at one end & headed towards my table, then swerved away again at the last min & then he did the same thing, coming at me from the other side of the bar, then 3rd time lucky he finally got to my table, looked like he was going to say something, blushed & then wiped the table & scarpered. Then Ian came back in, went to the bar & chatted to Dom & then Ian referred to me loudly as 'Cougar Town' & I laughed to myself thinking 'You little devil Ian, I know what your doing' I know I like a toy-boy & Dom was very cute, but I think he may be a bit young even for a dirty old woman like me!! 

Ian was trying to seduce me to stay in London & go to G.A.Y Late with him, but with my summer/winter mismatched wardrobe & also having had only 4 - 4.5hrs sleep last night. I thought I shouldn't & it would also cost me another £15 fare which I really can't afford & I don't want to be poncing drinks off Ian all night even if it is VERY cheap in there. So we compromised & decided to have one last drink in town, before I went home. But 1st we popped to a local McDonald's for something to eat as we were both famished, and it's quick & cheap, so I had a bean burger meal, with small fries & a small Diet Coke.

We got a train into Waterloo & the seat separators/arm rests were this kind of bulbous tear shape (above) when some people got off at one of the stops, I got a fit of the giggles, at 1st Ian didn't know quite why?? I said 'This isn't a Virgin train is it!!' he said in a confused tone 'Err No!!?' Then I pointed to one gaping seat divider, that looked like an engorged open vulva & I said 'What does that look like to you?' he followed my eye line & then got the giggles himself saying 'Oh my god, a huge vadge!!' So I took some pics of it (below) when the train stopped at Waterloo & everyone except us got off!!

Ian Tries Something Alien To Him

We went to Ku Bar & had a cider each, we had a fun night, people watching (It was switch night, so full of lesbian's more than gays tonight) Ian went for a cigarette & a table that was in front of us got up & filed past to me, to go out the back door (There is a gag in there somewhere!!) A guy in a plaid shirt, gelled hair & trendy wire framed glasses, came up to me & said in a foreign accent (I think maybe Italian but not 100% sure!) 'I just wanted to tell you that you are a stunningly beautiful woman!!' Which really took me aback, as I wasn't expecting it & I'd assumed he was gay (Well I guess he still could of been gay) Taken aback I said 'Thanks you made my night' He smiled & said 'Your welcome, because it's true!!' Then left. I could see Ian outside with his ciggy observing me, puzzled by my puzzled expression, so when he came back inside, I explained what had just happened. We then went outside to finish the last of our drink & were accosted by some annoying drunk guy from Scotland, who's idea of humour was talking about fucking his mum.... WTF??

So Ian & I set off to Leicester Square & went in our separate directions, I got to Kings Cross & waited for my train to arrive, I got on & sat down & some odd looking, middle aged Asian looking guy kept wandering up and down the length of the train while sat in the station, looking at people weirdly & leaving the connecting doors open, which was irritating people, just as the doors closed & the train started to pull out, two very handsome young rugby player looking guys, ahead of me went to go sit in the train seat opposite me (Yippee eye candy on the way home!!) 

But just before they did the nutty Asian guy rushed from the other side (behind me) & practically leaped into the seat giving everyone one of his weird looks, the hunky guys looked shocked, looked at him then looked at me as if to say WTF?? Then kept on going to the next carriage behind me. Fucking thanks you freak!! Then 5mins later he was up again strolling off up the train (Thank god he was giving me the creeps!!) when he went a guy sat diagonally opposite ahead of me rolled his eyes & shook his head & I nodded in agreement. 

I read the paper on the train there was a lot as expected on the Royal Wedding. There was even a Kate & William Mask to cut out for Friday! I got home about 1am & my stomach was grumbling again so I had another cheese pitta before bed with the Twiglets that had been in my bag & crashed out (Calories consumed 2,819 ...Oh bloody hell!!!) 

Wednesday 27th April, I woke early at 7.30am again, I can't recall any dreams at all, so much for eating cheese in the wee hrs giving you nightmares. I got up & had a bath & had some Sultana Bran & a Diet Coke for breakfast, then changed into my grey & white 3/4 gym trousers, my white long sleeved, Petite Bateau T-shirt, with my light grey diamanté trimmed vest over the top & pulled on my B&W TrimSoles. I was just about to head out to Jennies 'Pampered Chef' morning at 10.15am, when I got a phone call from a production company that I'd responded to, re an audition advertised. 

They asked me a few questions & then said they were going to email me some information & a form & they needed me to send it back immediately due to tight schedule, so went back upstairs & logged on to laptop & 3mins later the email arrived with a bloody long, eight page form attached, which took me from 10.30am until 11.45am to fill in & attach a photo, and send off. Which meant it's now a hour after, Jennies 'Pampered Chef' morning has started, so I can't go now & interrupt part way through!!

I popped to the shop to get a paper before going for my 2hr power walk & saw my neighbour Steve in there, I said I was off to the park, so would his cute spaniel Bobbie (A female not male Bobbie) like to come with me? He said that would be great & so Bobbie & I headed off to the Verulamium Park & popped into Jennies briefly en route, Jennie was sitting with her other invitees in the garden, her mum, plus a bunch of women from mid 50's to late 60's, who looked as much fun as anal warts, to be honest. 

I said I was sorry that I'd missed her 'Pampered Chef' morning, she said not to worry & to come round around 8pm Thursday to sample some of the leftovers, then Bobbie & I set off to the park!! We spent 2hrs walking & running together, she is a very sweet little thing!! I eventually got home at 2.15pm & made lunch of one cheese pitta pocket & one cheese roll with some Twiglets & some water then went to my finished SAVED Blog Titled 'Springs Back....... Lets Get Physical!!' & began to add the pictures (Which takes hours & hours amazingly!!) I added the pictures I already had, on my PC then I searched Google for other ones relevant for my blogs topics, then I stopped for a while at 6.30pm to watch 'Home & Away' A great soap, with great plot writing & fit hunky guys (what's not to like?) 

Then had some Tesco Sushi for dinner, followed by a fresh fruit salad, made from 3 bowls of fruit bought for just £1 from St Albans Market, before continuing searching for & adding photos to my finished blog (Which is/was my best Blog I have written, so far, full of funny & shocking story's & some wry observations, and packed with adventures, and tales from my life's past!)

I continued adding the pics while watching 'Kerry Katona: The Next Chapter' & TOWIE I'm worried that Kirks dad, the oldest swinger in town & owner of The Sugar Hut, is my age, he looks mid 50's to early 60's, I can't believe man chasing, chubby, car sales woman Gemma, who's in her 20's can really fancy portly Mick who looks 10yrs+ older than his years, it would be like dating her dad. 

Then I watched the NEW Davina McCall show on ITV 'Long Lost Family' who I contacted last year about finding my half brother Brian & my half sister Gaye. Not bad if they can help me that would be great. Then at 12.30am all the photos were added & my Blog 'Springs Back....... Lets Get Physical!!'  It was looking amazing, now all I had to do was publish it, so I clicked on the publish post button, but it took me to a page that said 'sorry your blog took to long to post press backspace & try again' so I did so (5 more times!!!) Before it said it had posted!

Then I clicked on view blog & after a few minutes of scrolling through it, I was having a mini seizure! It had only posted one third of my blog, wiping two thirds of it completely, my blog had taken me 9 days, including the day spent adding pics, at approx 10hrs a day that's 90hrs work, 60 of which were wiped!! I panicked & backspaced trying to get my original work back, as I'd only saved it on Blogger & nowhere else & despite saving it repeatedly on Blogger, Blogger bloody wiped it, which really stressed me out!! All that work gone, I was fuming at myself why didn't I cut & paste it to Word or my Hotmail before posting, just in case? Or open it in two windows so if it wiped it in one, I still had the other one open & intact to save (As they say hindsight is 20/20 vision!!) 

Fuck fuck fuck fuck ... all that time & all that work for nothing!! Like I don't have enough worries & stresses in my life already!! I ranted on Facebook & Twitter  about what Blogger had just done to my saved work then ranted @Blogger on Twitter & on their page on Facebook, as Blogger conveniently have no direct email or telephone number, so they can conveniently ignore my complaints on their Facebook page & on their Twitter page. 

I went to bed stressed & gutted that my best work had been wiped, with no notes to refer to, to re do it, back to its original glory. I will have to redo at a later date, when most of it will be a distant memory, or forgotten!! I read the paper to try to distract my anger, the normally boring as hell Gwyneth Paltrow, shattered her clean cut image after using the 'C' word on telly to describe her gran!! (nice!!) Punk Queen, Polly Styrene, a blast from my musical past, as an art Student, has sadly died at 53, after losing her battle with breast Cancer, crashed out shattered around 2am  (Calories consumed 1,757 oh dear!!)

Thursday 28th April, hardly slept at all last night, and what little sleep I got was fitful & restless, all thanks to Blogger, funny what can get to you, when your not working full time! I still can't believe that despite all my work, having been constantly saved, that on posting it, it kept saying it was taking to long to post & to hit the back arrow & try again (maybe slow due to being such a huge blog,  as so much was going on & so much in the news was infuriating me, or due to my laptop connection being slow!!) So I kept hitting the back arrow & going to post & the same thing kept happening until eventually it posted. 

When it finally was & I went to view my blog I discovered Blogger had wiped 60+ hours worth of SAVED work, Gutted & Fuming in equal measures (just my luck that it was the blog & the work I was most proud of that has been wiped!) Well done Blogger for not having a contact email or telephone number to complain to, or to contact tech people that might be able to re find lost SAVED work! So angry I could punch a hole through a brick wall right now. I might as well have spent those 60hrs in the gym, as I have fuck all to show for all my hard work now!!

I hoped when I turned on my laptop in the morning, it was a dream & my blog was still there in it's entirety, but alas it was not, gutted I had a wash made a coffee & bowl of Branflakes. I did my hair & make up & put on my 3/4 dark grey & white gym trousers, my white long sleeved Petite Bateau T-shirt, under my diamanté trimmed, light grey, vest top. Incandescent with rage I needed to get out of the place before I start smashing things in a rage!!!

So I decided to take my neighbours dog Bobbie out for a walk and spent 3hrs from 12.30 to 3.30pm aggressively throwing a ball for it to fetch for 3hrs, to try to exercise the ball of angry power inside me, but by the time poor Bobbie was all fetched out, I still had a residue of bubbling anger & resentment inside. We were walking back from the park past Jennies, when I got invited in for a tea, by her husband & so I sat in the garden with Bobbie for a bit, Jennie turned up shortly after & we had a mug of tea, a lemon curd sandwich & mini sponge cake with piped cream & blueberry's & sliced strawberry's on top, from her Pampered Chef morning yesterday. 

She said could I hang around for 30mins, to walk with them to pick the girls up from school, as the girls would love Bobbie, who is such a cute well behaved little Spaniel. So we did & the girls made a fuss of Bobbie & I walked them back home, Jennie said to come round later tonight when Edgar goes off to play darts, said I'd see her at 8pm then walked back to mine & popped Bobbie back in with my neighbour & got in about 4.45pm.

I popped into the shop for a Diet Coke & The Sun paper, logged on to my laptop & checked my Hotmail, Facebook & Twitter etc @CatFunt_ on Twitter made me laugh for the 1st time, since last night, when I saw his unsubtle & tasteless as ever tweet to @Blogger saying.......

Cat Funt CatFunt_
@Blogger Oi, you bunch of inbred bellends; Sort out @The_Evil_Barbie's blog that you've fucked well up! Cunts! Thankyouverymuch

@WKD81 said she was gutted for me, She'd said last night, that she couldn't wait to read my latest blog I was about to post & @wonderlandwigs was very sweet too saying......

Wonderland Wigs wonderlandwigs
@The_Evil_Barbie it's always the way, you do something really great and put loads of effort in and then it just vanishes :(

I had a response from one of my auditions & they want me back again in a few weeks time. Still nothing from any of the retail jobs I have applied for, which is frustrating as I know I could do them all standing on my head, and do them damn well too!! The problem with retail & sales is there are 100s of people applying for the same job & it's a numbers game & often they prefer to take on someone less experienced on a cheaper wage & train them up, than pay more for someone more experienced. I applied for some more jobs until 7.45pm & then set off for Jennies.

Got to Jennies at 8pm & watched the fab 'Three In A Bed' & we watched 'My Big Fat Royal Gypsy Wedding' which Jennies daughter Lara found hysterical. Then she went to bed at 10pm & we watched Katie on Sky Living, it's strange sometimes her new Argentinian love looks like Ricky Martin & at other times like her son Junior, but all grown up! They were at Ascot, I expect he is a good horse rider like Katie, as most of my Argentinian friends ride, and I love the Argentinian Polo team. Jennie got quite tipsy on rose wine, which was quite amusing. Edgar got back from darts & was pleased his team had won! 

So I headed off home about 12.15am & went straight to bed & read the paper LOADS about the Royal Wedding again. Welsh strumpet  Imogen Thomas was sobbing on 'This Morning' saying she has been thrown to the lions..... Yeah maybe but she is no innocent, she knew the man she was sleeping with was married!! I finally turned off the lights & crashed out at 1am (Calories consumed 1,477 that's more like it)

Below Re Written Yet Again Thanks To Blogger Wiping "Everything Saved" After Thursday !!
Like it Wiped Everything Saved After Mid-Wednesday In My Last Blog!!

Friday 29th April (The Royal Wedding)  I had a restless sleep waking at 7am & dozing on & off until 9am, then despite being shattered I put on ITV to watch the Royal wedding & it's run up, as BBC1 would be too left wing, pompous & full of bores puffed up with their own 'imagined' self importance!! At 10.45am I pottered downstairs & fixed a tray with some olives, an aubergine dip, chilli houmous plus 3 heated wholemeal pitta's & a can of K cider (classy as always) to nibble on during the ceremony, (A kind of half arsed Turkish breakfast with booze!!) & to raise a drink to William & Kate once they are pronounced Husband & Wife. The King of Tonga looked remarkably like Mohamed al-Fayed, for a moment I thought 'I wasn't expecting to see him invited!!' The TV announcer probably thought the same as the camera was on the King some time before rapidly mumbling "The King of Tonga arriving  at the Abbey!!" 

 Mohamed al-Fayed
The King Of Tonga

Kate (Now to be known as Catherine) wore a very pretty, simple, classic, 50's look dress with lace sleeves, very reminiscent of Princess Grace of Monaco's Wedding Dress. Actually its not that far removed to my mums dress for her 1st wedding to my uncle (Yes that's right my mum married brothers!!) 

William looked handsome in his uniform (especially with the cap on!) I don't know why William didn't use something like Satura Pro (or other proven treatments) on his hair, when it was apparent it was beginning to thin on top & he was bound to go bald like his father and uncles?? It's not as if he can't afford the best treatments going!!?? (For more info on Satura Pro keep reading my blogs!!) 

Princes Harry & William

Prince Harry, who has overtaken William to become the most handsome prince, looked very dashing indeed in his uniform (Yeah I admit it, I have a bit of a armed services uniform fetish!!) The two page boys looked adorable & Kate's sister & head bridesmaid, Pippa looked elegantly sexy, in her simple ivory cowl neck shift dress, with back button detail. The four small bridesmaids dresses were cute, shame two of the little girls were a bit unfortunate looking as - (There was a lot of talk on Twitter about one looking like the child of Shrek & comments on the lazy/boss eyed one) 

I raised my can of K (K for Kate) to the married couple & watched them ride in the open carriage back to The Palace surrounded by the Royal Life Guards.... Phwoooooor!!! That's one of the uniforms that does it most for me, I don't know why? But my guilty pleasure got to feel more guilty & borderline incestuous, when my late mum told me, that my Dad use to be one of the Queens Life Guards, before I was born!!.... Strange I never learnt that until years after dad died, I knew he was in the cavalry in WWII but not that, how odd that I am drawn to that uniform, I think its the uniforms breastplates mixed with tight jodhpurs & long boots (Probably why I have a thing for Polo players too!!) 

The Royal Lifeguards 

I managed to get dressed & do my make-up by the time they came out on the balcony and had two iconic kisses. 

My hair looked quite good in a shaggy Kim Wild circa 1980's stylie so didn't add any hair pieces. I did a natural make-up on my tanned face with a touch of black eyeliner, It was grey & windy out & also threatening to rain, so I wore my black wet look leggings, my long black boots & a long studded black & grey studded leopard print vest top over my white long sleeved Petite Bateau T-shirt, with my beige faux sheepskin body warmer by Oasis. I put my retractable umbrella & a bottle of Merlot wine (that's sat in my wine rack for over a year) in my big black sequinned shopper & set off for the 45min walk to Mikes (After buying a Sun paper from the shop next door & then posting it through my letterbox) 

Heading into town it seemed pretty quiet out, I haven't heard of any street party's in St Albans so if there is any they are poorly advertised!! Jennie & Edgar said there was meant to be one in Fishpool Street, when I saw them yesterday & the guy in my local off licence  said there was one in London Road. Walking towards the end of Catherine St I saw my 1st bit of patriotism when Coupers had two flags flying a Union Jack & The Flag of St George, representing The UK & England. Also Eve & Adam had bunting out of Union Jacks & St George flags (Even if they were in their own cream & burgundy colour ways)

As I neared the high street I saw the Blacksmiths Arms had made a small effort with a flag & some bunting & restaurant Darcy's had flown 4 Union Jacks outside, with anticipation I neared the high street, was it festooned with bunting? Was there a fair, a market or a street party?? 

 The Blacksmiths Royal Wedding Effort

OMG!!!......... NO!! There was Fuck All!!! I was in absolute shock & disgust in equal measures!!! Not a single shop had bunting or a wedding themed window display!! And the Council had not put out any bunting across the street, I can't believe the lack of patriotism from the council, the company's that run the shops & individuals in general on such a historic & patriotic day! I was totally disillusioned in St Albans, we are London home county's god damn it!!  

St Albans High Street's Royal Wedding Effort, April 29th

We have replaced Mayfair on the new Monopoly board, you would think they would of gone Royal Wedding Crazy like Candie & the gang in Muswell Hill!!

Regent Street, Royal Wedding Effort, London Style

I walked through town on a real downer, due to peoples lack of effort on such a historic day!! Plus I was now getting coated in drizzly rain, which didn't help lift my new downer of a mood, especially as the strong wind managed to still lash it under my umbrella. As I neared the end of the High Street I saw that at least the building that use to be the Town Hall & is now a coffee shop & function rooms, was flying the Union Jack. 

I turned into the town end of London Road & yet again nothing.... absolutely fuck all!! & no street party that the shop guy mentioned! I wonder if the rumoured Fishpool Street actually happened too? Mike called me, as I strode towards his in the rain to check I liked Haloumi, as I don't eat meat (I don't like Haloumi...... I LOVE it!!)

When I got to Mikes Electronic gates, my hair was more bedraggled than the shaggy of earlier, due to the rain en route. I popped in the code & entered & It suddenly became really warm & sunny, Mike was being his usual host with the most at his BBQ making sure everyone had plenty of food & drink, it was also good to see he had his bunting up & his Union Jack paper plates & cups. I chatted to his neighbours, who were lovely, including a young couple, who had just moved in to the close yesterday. I chatted to Linda for a bit & their son Liam has really grown & was being very cute. I started on the rose wine & then went on to the Vodka & Oranges haven't had one of those for ages. The Haloumi was cooked to perfection & went perfectly with a lovely dressed salad on offer & a chunk of french stick YUMMY!!  

Later Mike gave me a lift home & I got in somewhere between 7.30 - 8.30pm & quickly washed & dried my crazy hair straight before heading off to the British Legion for Nick's 40th birthday bash (I didn't bother changing as its only The British Legion) I spotted Nick on the dance floor & crept up behind him to surprise him, delighted to see me he picked me up & spun me round. I went to the bar to get a pint of cider at cheap legion prices (Classy as Ever!!) & then I looked around the hall, there was nobody I knew, except Nick. 

With Birthday Boy Nick

Soon two fun girls in their 20's came over to me & introduced themselves as Liz & Christina & said "Come with us, there are guys buying us drinks, thinking they will get lucky, we need somebody who will give as good as she gets!" They lead me back to the bar area where a middle aged, red haired man, who turned out to be a fireman & a guy not dissimilar to Minty from EastEnders stood & they passed the girls a drink & asked if I wanted a drink, so I thanked them & opted for a black Sambuca shot. 

I chatted with the guys and girls & had a laugh 2 more Sambuca's & a pint of cider later the Minty looky-likey gave me his card, which I put in my pocket without looking at it & then at some point, out of the blue without any request from me, or any talk on anything close to the subject, Minty suddenly flashed me a pic of his penis, on his phone Ewwww what was he thinking? Was that meant to excite me? WTF!!? I told Liz & she said 'Yuck!!' & bust into a fit of the giggles!  Why do some men do that? you don't hear of women, in the middle of a casual conversation, pulling out their phone and flashing a picture of their virgina, or thier breasts, to a virtual stranger!!

I got home around 1.30am & looked at Minty's business card, that was still in my pocket, and I discovered his job & if Minty had been a tall hunk, with an amazing personality, who didn't flash knob pics (which he isn't) He still wouldn't of had a chance with me, as his card showed he was a pest controller, who not only killed bugs but also mice, rabbits, rats, foxes, moles & pigeons... and I'm a veggie animal lover, who loves those little critters, 

I read the paper as expected LOADS on William & Kate, Honeymoon murder suspect Groom, Shrien Dewani, is being detained in a mental clinic with some of Britain's worst child killers & perverts, while his mind is being assessed. He was moved their after a bust up at the Priory, where he is being treated for post-traumatic stress. Dewani is on £250,000 bail. I crashed out around 2am (Calories consumed 2,184 Whoops!!)

Saturday 30th April, I woke at 8am to a lovely sunny day why can't it of been like that for the Royal Wedding yesterday? Not that I'm going to be sat out in it today. I had Alpen for breakfast then I had a bath & did my make-up, popped to the shop for a Sun paper, then a while later I made a coffee with some Krisprolls with chilli houmous for elevenses. I wore the long leopard print vest top, that I wore yesterday over my white 3/4 leggings today, and went into my Sunday housework overdrive. I stripped the bed & put a load or 3 in the washing machine. 

I hoovered the lounge, bedroom, hall, stairs & kitchen, did the dusting & washing up, then tackled the clean dry laundry putting in two piles one pile for laundry that needs ironing & another for those that don't. Then I stopped for a lunch of a Veggie Pasty with some Wotsits & a Almond Magnum. 

Then it was time to wade through the huge pile of laundry, to be ironed, while watching the God Awful 'William & Kate' Channel Five film, that I'd missed last week (Good god it was cringe worthily bad, none of the actors looked, or sounded like who they were meant to be, especially Prince Charles, who was hysterically bad) It was very cloyingly, twee and totally unbelievable!! Once the ironing was done, I put everything back in my wardrobes or draws (both the ironed & the stuff that had not needed ironing) & had a Diet Coke then put clean white linen on my bed, by which time it was 7pm so I fixed some macaroni cheese, with some Krisprolls for dinner, washed down with mineral water & a handful of fizzy cola bottle sweets. (I've got to get out of eating sweets, I only started eating them when mum died!) 

At 8pm I watched Britain's got talent not that there was any talent to speak of the judges were impressed with some aging singer, I don't know why? I did not rate his singing at all! Wagner on Xfactor was better & that's saying something, plus a chunky woman, doing embarrassing aunt at a wedding, disco dancing (I will do a critique once they have chosen their final finalists!!) I got peckish so snacked on some Krisprolls with aubergine dip then watched Million Pound Drop & Stand Up For The Week, then went to bed at midnight with the paper, The front page is William & Kate's balcony kiss at Buckingham Palace, and the 1st 22 pages were about the Royal Wedding. There wasn't much else of interest. (Calories consumed 2,650 holy cow!!!!!)

Sunday 1st May,  I woke at 9am to another sunny, but very windy day. I had a wash, then had Alpen, 4 Krisprolls & Diet Coke for breakfast, dressed the same as yesterday & slipped on my TrimSoles & popped to the shop for a NOTW paper, then did my usual load of online job applications & surveys while watching that old film classic 'Laurence of Arabia' on TV. Then I checked my audition sites & applied for some of the auditions available. Then I had some grilled Haloumi & sliced tomato wrapped in a Nan bread & a can of K Cider for lunch. The film finished & I hung out some wet laundry from one of yesterdays washes & did the washing up. 

I watched 'Come Dine With Me' then had a 2nd Nan bread rolled with Jarlsberg cheese inside for dinner & a coffee & 2 digestive biscuits as I had the munchies, then I watched 'The Hotel' (God knows why anybody stays at or has a wedding at that tatty old run down, poorly run hotel The Damson Dene??)  I cleaned the kitchen & bathroom then at 10pm it was time for TOWIE 'The Only Way Is Essex' 17st Gemma was having a Union Jack Vajazzle done, but as it was on her ample Belly rather than her Vagina I'd say it was more of a Bejazzle, not that it wasn't blatantly obvious before but tonight's show underlined the fact that Amy never has been, nor will she ever be a beauty therapist, you could see the part of the jewel application that had been pre done by a professional & the rest that shed done & made a bodge job of with blobs of white glue everywhere!! 

Anyone who believes a word of what these people are meant to do for a living are dumb, no was is Arg a singer, Sam is a Nuts model & no boutique owner, No way does Joey Essex have the brains or organisation skills to be an event organiser! No way does Lauren work in the fashion industry unless it's as a Saturday girl. The most attractive & charismatic character on their (Other than Lucy Meck) is the cute bulldog puppy Alien headed Lauren 'Roger' Pope gave to ignorant childish Kirk! 

Tonight Lydia (Who is looking a lot better these days) is supposedly meant of to have bumped into a hunky model, spilling her bags contents on the pavement, with him then helping her, that was the funniest god damn awful acting moment in the series so far (No wonder they're not paid!!!) Honestly a primary school drama class could of pulled it off more convincingly I was howling with laughter its so bad!!... If the USA get this as the UK's version of 'The Hills' god only knows what they will make of us Brits, based on this show!!?? I got ready for bed & took a pint of water with me & watched 'Desperate Housewives' In bed then read The News Of the World paper..... 

Again Mostly about the Royal Wedding. Also wacko Mariah Carey gave birth to her twins yesterday - while HER song 'We Belong Together' blasted out. Cheryl Cole has sacked her manager & has replaced her with 'Black Eyed Peas' buddy Will-i-am, think she has shot herself in the foot there (Anyone who thinks changing their name from William to Will-i-am, is cool, clearly isn't good at making decisions!!) I bet her ex manager Hilary Shaw feels betrayed!! (Calories consumed 2,492 oh dear diet & fitness kick starts next week in earnest)

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