Saturday, 12 March 2011

Stuff 'The Only Way Is Essex', The Only Way Is Extras!!

Monday 28th Feb, While killing time around 3am, I saw on Twitter that Movie Legend, Jane Russell had died today, I heard via a tweet from her son. I sent my good friend Imand Handi my condolences, as she was very close to him & his friend, David Gest (Liza Minnelli's ex husband) I continued checking audition & job sites, and applying for suitable jobs/roles, until my friend Richard arrived at 5am. He had a look at my laptop to see if it could be sorted at mine, or if we had to go to his, to amend my video file disasters? 

When he saw that I had Windows Live Movie Maker, he said it could be sorted at mine. He said my web cam recorded file was huge (2.38GB = 2380MB) & its only a 2-4min recording. He said he could fit a 3hr film on that & no wonder it wouldn't send, when the email file limit is just 25MB & mine was 2380MB (over 95 times the size it needs to be!) He showed me how to reduce the file on Windows Live Movie Maker, the file had to go through the shrinking process 5 times, before it was small enough to email at 6.30am, But hurrah I made the deadline of 9.30am phew!!

Richard, showed me how to do it to my other files & left at 7am, I popped to the shop for a Sun Newspaper & then got into bed at 7.30am. Then I crashed out until 12noon, as I was shattered. No Idea what I dreamt about, if indeed I did, as I was out cold for those 4 & a half hours! Richard had asked me if I'd lost weight? when he came over & I laughed & said "No I've gained 2st!!" he said well you must of gained it in the right places!!" which made me laugh. I got up and had a bowl of sugar free Alpen with sliced banana & 2 Krisprolls with peanut butter, for breakfast, with a coffee. Then went on my laptop & shrank all my other over sized web cam video's 

Then I perused the paper, it's all about the Oscars, I hate Colin Firths, wife's Eco dress, it's ugly, poor fitting & puckered along the seams (badly made) EastEnders actor Neil McDermott cheated on his wife, who has a newborn baby, with a 16yr old slapper/fan (idiot) he shagged her in a budget hotel & then was shocked at her age! 

Designer John Galliano, shouted at Jewish woman, that he loved Hitler adding  "Dirty Jew you should be dead!" adding "People like you would be dead.Your forefathers would all be fucking gassed!" Versace's Donatella said there was no justification for the insults, but Giorgio Armani said "You can't expect exemplary behaviour from an eccentric man like him!"

I made a lunch of a Salmon Parcel & chick pea salad, washed down with a Diet Coke, I watched 'Loose Women' then I did a new load of job searches & applied to 9 & 5 auditions too! Watched 'The Real Housewives Of Orange County' then sorted out my dry laundry & put it away in my wardrobe & draws. Then later I watched 'Home & Away' & made a light dinner of  2 Krisprolls spread with peanut butter with mashed banana on top & a coffee. I watched the final of 'The Biggest Loser' at 9pm, not bad, but not as good as the truely amazing, American/Australian, show results, then tired I had a early night at 10.30pm, as I have to be up early for filming tomorrow. (Calories consumed 1,388)

Tuesday 1st March, My alarm went off at 5.45am, when as expected, I'd rested but not actually slept, despite going to bed early tired. I popped downstairs and had a wash & made a coffee, a bowl of Alpen & two Krisprolls with peanut butter, for breakfast. I went upstairs, straightened my hair & did my make-up, then dressed in black studded leggings, Black & White Jane Norman Top & long black boots Like I did on my Cougar night out with Ian.

I wore my 'Annabelle's' half wig, as my normal baby fine hair, is going to get blown all over the show & look a right state, on the top of a open top tourist bus, in this cold, windy, weather!! Whereas although it will still be blown about, by the windy weather, due to the weight of it, it will blow about less! I also wore my River Island cap (Which Nat & Candie Hate) which I thought will keep me warm & help my hair/wig, blow about less too! I packed my Moschino Tote bag with my black halterneck dress, some jewelry & my KG killer black heels (as they asked me to bring evening wear, for another scene!!) 

Put my hairbrush & make-up, in my Moschino tote bag too, as I will need to tame hair/wig for the evening wear part & also retouch make-up. I also wore my beige chenille, Top Shop scarf & gloves, that I got from my brother Bill & Family for Xmas, for the 1st time. I popped to the shop & got a Sun Paper, to read on the train & a can of Coke in case I got thirsty, before I reached Bow. I walked to the station, stopping at the ATM to take out £40 as I'm not sure how much today is going to cost me!? Even though they said everything will be provided for (Past experience has told me otherwise!) I got to the station at 8.10am & got my ticket, it cost £24 (I was expecting £28, but maybe that's for even earlier, before 7am?) 

I jumped on the ram packed, commuter, Sutton train straight away. What brilliant luck (that's not normal for me!!) It wont take long to get to Farringdon, as it's only one stop after Kings Cross & then I can get the Hammersmith & City line to Mile End. Or so I thought, it was Just after Mill Hill Broadway, that there was this strong smell of coal/diesel and the train slowly crawled to a halt & stayed there for about 3-4mins in silence, then the drivers voice came over the intercom, saying that the train had broken down & although he would be able to get us to Hendon Station, we'd then have to get off & get on another of the London heading trains, that go from there.

Oh right! I thought it was too good to be true! (back to my normal bad luck it is then!!) We piled off and a train to London was on platform 1 & we were on platform 3, so 100's of us piled out of the train, legging it up the stairs & over the bridge to platform 1, I thought the train would head off, before we got half way across the bridge (as there were 100s of people ahead of me!) but it didn't but the already rammed commuter train, was now packed more tight than a battery hen! But there was no way, I was being late!! So I yelled (In a less than lady like fashion) at the selfish, ignorant, morons, all roomily spaced out, in the isles. While there were people who were squashed by the doors. I said "Stop being so bloody selfish & move down the soddin carriage!!!"  

They reluctantly shuffled forward, with no sense of urgency (These are the kind of Commuting Wankers, that I do NOT miss!!) & I managed to just squeeze on & was pressed against the door window, like a novelty Garfield stuck on a car window! Sweating in my layers with all the surrounding body heat! I Text Bob that I might be a bit late due to my train breaking down & as I didn't have a contact mobile number for crew to let them know!

Eventually got to Farringdon Station, and got onto the Hammersmith & City line, to travel to Mile End, waiting for the train I was amazed to see I had a phone signal, when my text alarm beeped. It was from Bob saying "Don't worry I'll let them know! I won't let them go without you!!x" I was just texting back when the phone went, just as I was sat on train at Farringdon & it was Bob saying "Jay said not to worry they were not setting off until 10am anyway!!" Then I went into a tunnel & we were cut off. I thought 'Bugger if I knew that I could of got the 9am train & paid for a £15 ticket instead of a £24 one!!' Which with the £10 they were paying towards expenses would of meant, that I would of only paid out £5, instead of £14!! 

I sat and drank my Diet Coke on the train, as I was dehydrated from sweating it out, on the two crammed train Journeys. I got to Mile end Station at 9.25am & was just speaking to Bob on the mobile, when this tall guy came up to me & said "June, I recognise you from your StarNow profile!" It was Jay who I'd spoke with on the phone, in the previous week & round the corner was the big open top tour bus.

I got on the bus said "Hello" to Bob, but badly needed a wee, so I popped to the Betting Shop on the corner & blagged using their loo, while Lovely Bob popped to the local coffee shop to get me a Cappuccino. Which was very much welcome as it was bloody cold even on the bottom of the double decker tour bus, with its doors open. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!! More Extras turned up & I was amazed to see that Ruth Davies, who was a Cougar on OMG with Peaches Geldof with me was on, then a few minutes later the same little black Cub with the same red wool hat on got on (oops I ignored his friend request on Facebook, as he seemed to think that as a Cub he was in with a chance with this Cougar (Wrong!!) I doubt he was over 5ft!!

Ruth & I, On The Buses!!

Eventually we set off, sat at tables on the top of the open top bus bloody freezing and getting windswept, we were filmed by camera crew & told to look bored & miserable & fed up (wasn't hard!!) I knew I was right to wear half wig & cap as most of the women or men with longer hair, had hair all over their face, or standing on end!

I can't tell you much about what we filmed, as it will spoil the comedy of it for you when it's aired (and it will be very funny!!) After Denise Van Outen & Jack Whitehall got on the bus at a pick up point, Denise began doing her Tour guide spiel (Coach Trip Stylie!) & our 1st stop off was typical Essex & bloody freezing!! Thankfully we were at a Rugby Club, so Bob & I sneaked off to the club house loo's, the cold was affection our bladders. Jack Whitehall recognised Bob, from a few things Bob had done in the past & said "Hello" to me & shook our hands. 

It was so cold many went back on the bus to keep warm, rather than observe the activity & then a random Rottweiler looking dog (without a docked tail) got on the bus & went among us sniffing around, like some sniffer dog looking for drugs, which was so cute & the most fun bit, at that point! We did then get a hot coffee/tea, thankfully, as despite the layers, scarf & gloves, I was still frozen (like everyone was!) I was also regretting wearing my chenille gloves & scarf for the 1st time, today too, as my coat, my leggings, Bobs coat & anything I was near, was covered by a fine beige fuzzy lint, off of the gloves & scarf, so that looked like I'd rolled in a pile of dandruff in my black coat & leggings!

Then we were off again to our next stop, where at 1.30pm my friend Bob got his hand stuck in to a bit of Vajazzling Literally!! We were now Starved & eventually we went back to the bus for a bit of lunch, a sandwich & a orange juice from a fridge on the bus (so much for not having to pay for anything, people were buying crisps & coffees from local shops!! As the sandwich and cold bottle of drink was not enough to keep us going in the cold. So they didn't keep that promise, or the expenses one) But I did get chatting to another one of the extras, Dee Hunwicks on the bus while we ate, she use to do a cookery show on one of the terrestrial channels, and wrote a book called 'What's for dinner? Meal Ideas....' with chef Paul Brodel. She was saying how the others said I looked like & was as comedic as Catherine Tate! (That's the 2nd time this Year!) She asked me what agencies I was on?

And I told her, she talked about Casting Collective & I said I had applied to them, before the cut off date this year, but although some friends got on their books, I hadn't. She said she was good friends with the people who ran Casting Collective & she would have a word to them about me, as she can't imagine why they wouldn't take me on, when I'm so good?  Which was really sweet of her. Then we carried on freezing, shooting on the top of the bus, again. 

We did another scene out in the cold & Jack Whitehall came up to me & asked me to do a separate scene outside. I was made up, when I found out what the scene was (a real opportunity to put my comedy acting into play!!) I won't give you the details & spoil it for when it's aired, but my Co star was a OAP, in a red & white knitted bobble hat, that looked a cross between a gnome & Santa. When waiting to play our scene (while the cameras were being set up) I was clowning around opening & closing my coat like a flasher, at Ruth who was still on the tour bus taking pictures.

Then we set off, and it was our final shoot in 'Faces' Nightclub at last somewhere warm & Bob re joined us again!! We did some very funny scenes, which I can't tell you about but you will find very funny once shown on TV! Denise Van Outen left, after she'd finished her bit & we filmed some more with Jack. 

 The Old Look Faces
Ruth & Jack
The Bar Area We Filmed In
As Also Seen On 'The Only Way Is Essex'

We had some pink Champagne & a bit of a dance, and I gave a hairdresser, who was sat at opposite me, with her other half, on the Bus the details for Annabelle's Wigs site & Face Book. After some shooting, I said to one of the female crew, "I was told to bring some evening wear should I change into it?" She said "We have used you in quite a few things, so you don't need to worry!!"  which was cool as it wasn't that warm in the club & I didn't fancy stripping off again when I'd only just thawed out! I saw two of the other girls had changed (so they obviously told a few of us to bring evening wear, to hedge their bets!!)

Vajazzling Bob

Bob & a few others were going to take the tube, from round the corner of Faces, I didn't know you could get a tube to Essex! But Apparently Gants Hill on the Central Line is just round the corner from 'Faces' I watched the girl, who'd changed into a red dress, do the bit, that I was also in the running for. Which was a talking role, which would of been another handy talking roll for me, to add to my acting CV to get my Equity Card (& better paid jobs) But My role was much more comedic, which as it's my preferred genre, was probably of more use to me! I really need to read through Equity's, confusing, forms again, as I'm sure I have done enough to join Equity, but the way the form & the requirements are listed, it's so confusing!! 

Eventually Dee & I plus a few others got the tour bus back to Mile End & she gave me a copy of her cookery book, which was very sweet of her! Ian told me to meet him in The Brook Pub, in Stamford Brook, where he was hosting a Pub Quiz for a drink. He said in was near to Mile End, where we are to be dropped off, on the District line. I was trying to find it on my tube map, with no joy (No bloody wonder, as when I did eventually find it, it was 22 stops away at the opposite end of the line in West NOT East London!!) 

I text Ian "Are you on drugs it's 22 stops away!!" I thought 'I don't fancy travelling all that way, in the cold!' Ian called me & sounded down, when I said I didn't think I would be coming (he was in Ku Bar with 2 friends & one of them was a young lad in his 20's, who has just found out he has A.I.D.S!! Yes it is still out there youngsters, so don't be daft, don't be silly, put a condom on your willy!!)

So he convinced (kinda guilt tripped) me to meet him at Leicester Square, so we could travel to the pub he was doing a Pub Quiz in together.We met at Leicester Square & he looked very dapper in a suit, as he had been working in a Expo during the day. We chatted on the tube about his poor friend with A.I.D.S and also about my day of filming in Essex. I said it had been an ordeal at times & costly when I can ill afford it, BUT it was a comedy venture & that's a Genre I want to get into & it's a performance closer to getting my Equity card & I got to utilise my comedic ability's, as well as the production crew saying that, they were very impressed with my ability's & will keep my contact details for further projects! We got on the District line tube & there was a really strong smell of 'Hay Bales' which is odd to carry on the tube! There were none in the carriage though!

Got to the pub & I had a pint of Soda Water & a pkt of Salt & Vinegar crisps (As I was famished but broke!!) While Ian mingled with his pub quiz regulars, chatting & handing out quiz forms. I meanwhile I chatted to the cute, dark haired, barman, Ryan. It turns out he acts & studied at Italia Conti (Same as Denise Van Oulten) I had a bit of a laugh & Ian ordered his free meal (a steak sandwich) telling me I could have the French fries (which were very yummy I must say!!) I went to the ladies, and again could smell the strong aroma of Hay Bale's!!?? Am I being stalked by a horse ghost!!?? Most odd!! 

In about a hour the quiz was finished & we were ready to set off for home, when to my surprise, cutie Ryan slipped me his email address. We got the tube heading back into the centre of town & Ian tried to seduce me, into going out on the town with him & staying at his the night! I said that I couldn't (I can't afford it & I have hardly slept the past 5 days so I'm not really even up to it!!) He tried his best, saying He'd pay for our drinks in GAY Late, and would give me my £15 fare to get home. I said I can't take his money & ponce drinks off him all night. He said "I don't mind, I'm working now anyway!!" adding "You should leave a small selection of clothes at mine, then you can have fresh clothes to change into, whenever you crash at mine!!" He kept trying to wear me down, but I was strong & adamant! So we compromised & I said I'd go for one drink with him in Ku Bar before going home!

We got to Ku Bar & it was Candy Nights at Ku Bar, Switch night, so instead of being Gays with their Fag hag's, it was Lesbians with their straight/gay male friends. They were playing some really good music & I got to see the new decor (Cream & Black Stripes, with lots of Mirrored features) I rather like it, it's striking & makes the place look bigger. Instead of hot barmen tonight, there were cute foxy barmaids, we were served by a very sexy looking girl, who looked similar to Pussycat Doll Nichole. Ian got me a pint of cider & himself a large white wine & two blow Job shots, the barmaid seemed very flirty with me as she served us, I pointed out to Ian how appropriate it was on a switch night that, I was on the pints & he was drinking wine! 

 Don't Ya Wish Ya Barmaid
Was Hot Like Me!!?

He gestured towards the barmaid & said "I think your in there!!" After he paid her, she stroked my hand, winked & blew me a kiss & then went on to serve the next customer!! Ian burst out laughing and said "Correction!! Your definitely in there!!" adding "I Love going out with you there is always some type of a commotion or adventure gravitating around you, when we are out!! I laughed too. He added "That's two bar staff pulled tonight!!" I laugh & said "Yeah odd, I seem to pull in types!! One week 5 toy-boys, last time 2 lesbians & tonight 2 bar staff (one of each) how odd!!"

We downed our Blow Jobs & saw the new video's from Lady Gaga & Brittany Spear's, on the flat screen! A absolutely beautiful petite black guy, with the most perfect skin & exquisitely beautiful face, came running up to me saying OMG!! Brittany!! Oh babe your great I love you, If I was straight or, a lesbian you'd so be my girlfriend!" I laughed & said "Your so pretty if I was a Lesbian I'd date you!!" Ian continued in his endeavours to entice me to stay in London, but I was strong! 

One of Ian's female friends came over, with a pretty Drag Queen in a red dress & a big bouffant brunette wig, not looking too dissimilar to Jordan. With a fab set of glam false lashes, I asked him where he got them from & he said the shop in Covent Garden that sells Drag Make-up, the lashes are called Diva. Ian's female friend (who I think is Asian) was wearing a very funky outfit, reminiscent of 80's Pucci/Versace & I think she had something to do with the Candy nights, she invited us as guests to something else, but I said "Much as I'd normally love to, tonight I need my own bed!" 

The flirty barmaid came over & said "I love your hair!" I laughed & said "Thanks, shame only 20% of it's mine!" she looked surprised & said "Really? You wouldn't know!!" We finished our drinks & headed for the tube & on the Piccadilly line, then we headed off in our separate directions. I got to Kings Cross and my train soon arrived at the platform, I got on the train & two of the good looking guys from our local Rugby team got on. I arrived home at 1.30am & updated my Facebook & Twitter status & checked my Hotmail. The shaving Ad people have emailed me, saying that they loved my audition video, that I'd sent them, and I have made it as a reserve for 1st Advert shoot tomorrow & I'm at top of their list for the next Ad (date to be confirmed!!) As over 700 women auditioned for that, I'm rather chuffed with those results!! Then pooped, I eventually crashed out (Calories consumed  1,508)

Wednesday 2nd March, Woke at 9am, I can't recall any of my dream although I know I have had one. I'm kind of in limbo today, in case one of the girls for Ad pulls out, as I will have to jump on a 301 bus to Hitching.. I think if I hear nought by 2pm it's a safe bet, that I wont be needed! I started the day off as usual, with a coffee and a sugar free Alpen. Dressed in cropped 3/4 khaki jersey lounge pants, with my striped V- necked jersey designer top & TrimSole flip flops. I decided that, now that I have sorted out my back room, that had stuff from mums, from just after she died, piled up (which I have only just recently, been able to attempt to sort, without bursting into hysterical bouts of tears!) So I could now move the clothing rail, with my items for eBaying out of my lounge where its been sat, and move it into a cleared area in the back room. Freeing up my lounge to look like a sitting room again! 

It took a bit of time, but I did it & put some of my old teddy bears in the wash too. I had a Facebook message from Annabelle's wigs & was told they had named a Wig after me. So they now have a long Blonde Wig Called June dedicated to me on their site, to thank me for my help/support, (link to their site & blog, are on my blog list on right hand column) I am very touched to have one named after me, oooh feel almost famous lol


I had a lunch of Vegetarian Bacon & sliced Hard Boiled Egg & relish, with some Twiglets & a decaf Diet Coke, while watching 'Loose Women' & The News. I hadn't heard from the Ad people, by then, so I am obviously not needed today, but I will await the future filming dates. I took the teddy bears out the wash & sat them along my radiators to dry & put a 2nd lot in! Today is The 'Miss Trannyshack UK's Beauty Pageant' at Madam Jojo's. If I had the cash, or if the Essex Filming had been today, I'd of gone, as I would of loved it. I might even of Dressed up as my Alter Ego Evil Barbie & entered the comp myself!!

I took 2nd lot of bears out & hung to dry & put the dry 1st lot, back on shelf, in back bedroom. I hoovered the bedroom, lounge & hall. Did the washing up & watered the plants & dusted in the bathroom & kitchen, though it will be dirty again in days (the result of living on top of a road, those dusty car fumes get in, in spite of closed windows!) I had a Diet Coke, and put a load of papers in relevant files, gas, electric, phone bills, council tax & council stuff, credit card & bank paperwork & proof of postage slips for eBay parcels sent etc! 

My neck and shoulders are hurting so bad today, that I want to cry. My neck and shoulders are so rock solid, like marble or granite! The pain is also going, all the way down my left arm, through to my middle finger on my left hand, even downing pain killers like a junkie isn't helping, I feel like weeping, it's just so bad! I don't know if it's the damp weather, arthritis, whiplash, a trapped nerve or stress causing it?? Or even something else!!?? I just wish it would be sorted & the pain would stop! In the evening I was hungry, but the pain from my neck, shoulders & arm, was making me nauseous, but I managed 3 vegetarian sausages, plus kidney bean, bulgar wheat salad, and despite feeling physically sick with pain, it stayed down, thankfully. Then I spent a hour or so, reading the paper. The front page shows Jordan & an Argentina Hunk (VERY nice too, not unlike Ricky Martin!!)

The Front page main story is about Gunman Maniac Cabbie, Derrick Bird who slaughtered twelve in the Cumbria Massacre before committing suicide! More pics inside of Jordan (Katie Price) with Hottie Argentinian, Leandro Penna, at Elton Johns, Post Oscar Awards Party. Well I don't know what he is like as a person but he is a hell of a lot prettier than Alex Reid & Peter Andre!!

Also pics of Dwarf Terrorist, Rebel Gunner in Afghanistan (I guess he could both kneecap & kill a few of our boys) I wouldn't even be surprised if they hid him among the group of children, that the sick bastards train up & send into battle with guns (knowing it would sicken our boy's, to have to shoot & kill a kid!!) twisted, evil, lot. See a video of him HERE!!

Also pictures of Brit Oscar winner Colin Firth, at the Oscars, on Sunday, with his wife Livia Firth, wearing that dress made from 11 old dresses (should of just worn an old vintage one or re used one of her old dresses, if she is so concerned with waste!!) The cream/ivory patched together concoction, was ugly & very unimaginative for the red carpet, a very magnolia wall paint, of dresses!!... it also did her no favours & unless she is proudly 2-4 months pregnant she could of done with some Spandex underneath to flatten her rounded belly in it!

Racist, Anti-Semitic, Fashion Designer, John Galliano has been Fired by Fashion House Dior, after a 2nd woman came forward after he was arrested last Thursday, after a similar attack, to that on a Parisian male Jew, Marc Sirap which ended in Galliano being arrested. Woooops!!

Absolutely vile pictures of repulsive footballer Luis Moreno, kicking a owl that landed dazed on the pitch, after being hit by a ball! He punted the cute Barn Owl 4yrds into touch, furious fans of Atletico Junior screamed "Murderer" at him after kicking the tame owl, who is their lucky mascot & lives in the stadium. Animal Welfare Groups also slammed Panama International Moreno, who had to leave the grounds under heavy police guard. He said he wasn't trying to hurt the bird he was trying to see if it could fly *Bullshit* a bird couldn't fly if dazed anyway!! It should of been gently picked up and handed to someone to tend to it while dazed if it was able to fly after the dizziness wore off they'd soon know! Kicking it full force would do nout, but harm it more, the bastard!! The poor Barn Owl suffered a broken leg & has been given a 50/50 chance by vets. 

TV Madman & Junkie, Charlie Sheen, is boasting he is the biggest hell-raiser in showbiz history, saying "I've out-partied Jagger, Richards, Flynn & Sinatra... it was epic!" Who Cares because Partying like that has turned you into a junkie arsehole who at 45 (2 years younger than me) looks older than your dad Martin Sheen!! Talking about cocaine he said "I took more than anybody could survive. I was banging 7g rocks & finishing them. I have one speed - go!!" Is that supposed to impress us you moron??

Watched Beauty & The Beast: The Ugly Face Of Prejudice, on Ch4 which had a woman, who was very self obsessed & who I recognised off of 'Vanity Lair' She looks like a younger version of the Actress from the Tesco's Ads, Fay Ripley who was in Cold Feet, and a lovely black guy Olympic hopeful, who was a burns victim from childhood, and who still had a lovely face in spite of his burnt skin & prosthetic ear, on one side of his face. She was so totally self absorbed, that she didn't even notice when he took off his ear in the bathroom!! incredible!!

Fay Ripley

Then I watched OMG with Peaches Geldof, to see if I was on this week? I wasn't, it was mainly about Vampires & Grindar! Then it was back to Ch4 to watch the Model Agency, which really is incredibly boring & the people come across as so unlikable, which is a shame, as I was so keen to see the show, when it was 1st advertised! Who would of thought a program on Fashion & modelling could be so dull & depressing!!? Then I spent the rest of the evening, reading my Marilyn book & had a coffee (decaf) and settled down to sleep at around 1am (Calories consumed 1,547)

Thursday 3rd March, I had a really long dream, but I can only recall 2 bits of it. I was being dragged along a fast flowing river, facing oblivion & I managed to pull myself out onto a bank somehow? But when I got out, I wasn't wet, I looked at this large building ahead of me, that was sectioned into flats & one room through a window was full of fire, in the next window was a blond woman with her hair in a ponytail holding a saucepan, obviously cooking. I didn't know if she was in the flat, with the room on fire, or if she was in the next door? But I knew she & other people in the building were in danger & so I ran to the building & round the front, where all the entry buzzers were & I was buzzing them all. 

I was telling the people about the fire & saying to get out, as they were in danger! But to my frustration, many thought it was just a prank & were ignoring me & telling me to go away! I saw a guy walking down the street on his mobile & I called out to him to dial 999 for the fire brigade, as the building was on fire! The next thing I recall is being sat at a pub table with 2 or 3 black guys, when my friend Andrea & her Ex (the big love of my life) sat opposite me giving me disapproving looks, but I didn't know why? Also there was something about shoes in my dream somewhere (odd)

I woke at 10am, with the pain in my neck & shoulders so bad, that I feel physically sick & at the point of retching! I just wanted to roll up into a ball & cry!! I think I need more than acupuncture, but the NHS do not provide Osteopaths & I cant afford to go to one privately. I think either the neck part of my spine needs realigning, or it's more Rheumatoid Arthritis (I've been riddled with it since my teens)  or I have a trapped nerve, as it also makes my arms hurt & I often get dead arms and hands too! I could so easily become a morphine addict, given the chance, I fantasize about syringes full of the stuff, stabbing into my neck & shoulders, taking away all the pain!!

Got up & got on the scales I have lost 1/4lb since I stopped taking the slimming pills (crazy!!) I had my usual Coffee & Alpen & jumped, or rather staggered into the bath, to try and ease the agonising pain in my neck & shoulders (my coccyx are throbbing today too!!) It was nice, but it didn't really help, so then I put a heat-pack in the microwave, and put it on my neck & downed a load of pain killers, which eased it a bit, but the pain still remained bad! 

I dressed the same as yesterday & popped to the shop for a newspaper. There was an impressive photo, of a ghostly image of a woman, with a lamp, bearing a striking resemblance to the virgin Mary, on the cliffs above Newquay beach. There has also been a £26K reward put forward, to catch the vile scum shooting the Swans in Somerset £10,000 of which was donated by Author Terry Pratchett, I hope that encourages someone, who knows something to dob the scum in!!

One Of My Local Swans

A crazed 43yr mum trashed a cake shop & attacked the owner, because they had sold out of her kids favourite flavour! Good god how are her kids going to turn out, if if they have that monster as a role model!!? Meanwhile some thick gypsy travellers stole Min-jin Kym's £1.2Million Stradivarius Violin & tried to sell it for £100. The violin's case also contained 2 bows, one worth £62,000 the other £5,000 the 3 responsible are in custody & the violin has not yet been found, they claim it was stolen off them!!

After the revelation of the UK's masked crusader 'The Statesman! it comes to light there are 16 superheroes of Britain's streets, fighting crime. With names like Vague, Swift, Black arrow, Lionheart & Terrorvision, but our superheroes are unlike those doing similar in the USA, who tend to seek publicity, our superheroes are a very secretive underground society, doing all they can to avoid publicity & communicate online.

More on Charlie Sheen sharing a bed with his two blonde lovers, his ex nanny & a porn star (or rather gold diggers, they'd not be there if he wasn't rich & famous!! they defo can't convince me it's for his looks, intellect & personality) I didn't bother reading it, as I have no interest in the drug addled fool!

There was a story about Ann Widdecombe & Craig Revel Horwood appearing in pantomime in Snow White & the 7 Dwarfs, in Dartford, Kent, in December. Which made me think of mum, as she once saw a pic of Craig in drag, and said "He looks more attractive as a woman, than he does a man!"  I felt a bit sad, I really miss mum, so much, we chatted on the phone every day (even if we'd seen each other earlier!!) Especially in the Ad breaks of Strictly Come Dancing, Dancing On Ice & Xfactor etc. We could talk for hours about all sorts, where as I can't with my siblings so much. I can more so with my sister Julie. But with Bill, whether it in person or occasionally on the phone, apart from talking about him, Karen & the kids, the other conversation is only ever about, have I got a job? have I got a boyfriend? & have I seen my friends Nat & Candie? 

If I waver from that, and talk about something else I'm interested in, I can see/hear him tuning out & ether saying he has to go (on phone) or changing the subject or suddenly talking to someone else (in person) Which is a big shame, maybe its because unlike mum & Julie he is not female. But it saddens me I can't talk to him like I could mum, it puts me off calling him for a catch up, as conversation always feels stilted & awkward, like talking to a stranger not a sibling. 

Maybe it's the North/South divide taking it's toll over the years? I don't know, but it kind of deters me from picking up the phone & calling him, and makes me prefer sending him the odd catch up text instead. Mind you as far as I know he only has a mobile number & no home phone, so if that's the case I couldn't really afford to phone him for chats, at the moment anyway, to be honest.

I had a tuna salad sandwich for lunch with some Twiglets & a Diet Coke & watched 'Loose Women' & then it was back to putting out the rubbish, washing down the kitchen & bathroom tiles & then back onto my laptop, to do my daily job searches & acting audition applications. Dee who I met on the filming with Jack Whitehall Tuesday text me at 4.57pm saying "  Hi Darling, I have talked to Casting Collective & they will contact you & get you set up for their 2012 books, hope that helps mate, lots of love Dee xx"   which was so sweet of her & I text her back & thanked her. She replied with "  Like I said you are too good to miss out on darling!!xx"   How sweet. 

I found 30 jobs in Retail (most in London) on the 'InRetail' site and applied for them all (I think that may even be my highest number in one day) Then I searched through StarNow, Info Shark & Mandy & applied to a few auditions on there too. By now it was dinner time, so I put a Salmon Parcel in the oven to cook & watched 'Home & Away' then I fixed myself some Weight Watchers, herb mashed potato & grilled tomato to go with my Salmon Parcel & had dinner.

I watched the Soaps, then watched a bunch of bigots on a new show by Ch4 called "Love Thy Neighbour" Where people were contending to win a cottage in a village in Yorkshire (So much for the friendly Northerner Stereotype!! They were a bunch of Cold, Judgemental, Racist, Homophobic Bigots) The cottage was lovely, but I'm not sure I would want to live in a village, that's full of such petty, ill educated, narrow-minded people. If I was the winner I'd put the cottage up for sale A.S.A.P & move somewhere, where the locals were pleasant. Then I watched the brilliant 'Celebrity Juice' followed by 'Hannibul Rising' the prequel to 'Silence Of The Lambs' Quite good, it reminded me that there has still been no news of the demise of the Crossbow Cannibal, it can't be far off! Then I crashed out in bed for the night (Calories consumed 1,543)

Friday 4th March, I dreamt about the stunning Brodie Jenner, nothing sexual (sadly!!) But I was out with him somewhere looking at something (I can't recall what??) I got up at 9am & had a wash slipped on my Juicy Couture tracksuit & popped to the shop for some milk, a paper & topped up my phone as I am going to need it next week, when I have at least one audition/filming. I had the usual Alpen & a coffee for breakfast, did a natural make-up & pulled my Cream Tommy Hilfiger coat & my Reebok SlimTone trainers. 

Then I popped to Santander & cancelled my 3 charity direct debits, as much as it pains me, I just can't afford to keep giving!! One is for the Tiger in Nepal, Manu Potti, who I adopted through the WWF 'World Wildlife Fund' who I have been making payments to for 25yrs, the 2nd Marie Currie Cancer, who I have made payments to for 15yrs since dad got Cancer, and 3rd the 'RIB Royal Institute for the Blind' which I have paid into for 20yrs since mum & dad both had problems with their vision. But I just can't keep doing that any more, when there are days when I have only £5 in the bank, which I can't touch & no food in the fridge/freezer & days before my next cheque is due! Once that was sorted I went straight home.

I got back at 12noon & caught the end of 'This Morning' then I watched 'Loose Women' eating a tuna & sweetcorn sandwich, plus Twiglets & a Diet Coke for lunch. I text Karen now that I had some phone credit & said "  Sorry I didn't text on Alex's Birthday but I had no credit, hope it all went well & my card arrived on time? I will start to post your Xmas pressies onto you, as I guess you wont be heading South for a while, I will send them in instalments, as the parcel would be too heavy for me to afford sending in one go xx"   (As Xmas cards in the past have arrived there, weeks after I'd sent it) Then I watched 'The Real Housewives Of Orange County' then it was back to doing more online job searches. I will have to call my Aunt soon, to see how she is, I hope her chemo has worked, it's so distressing, especially as she sounds like mum on the phone, I hope the funny magazine pages I posted her, helped her raise a laugh.

I did some job searches, then changed my bed linen & put a black wash in the machine. Cleared a shit load of litter off my little bit of garden & courtyard, that's been blown all over it, by stuff dropped by the bloody bin-men, plus people dossing around the courtyard, no doubt it will be coated again tomorrow in more bloody litter! I checked eBay & the high chair that I put on for Mike, who wanted £20 for it has gone up to £36 in 4 bids, it has 11 watchers, so it could go up to £50-£80 if he's lucky. So I text him to let him know. Then I watched 'Come Dine With Me' always amusing & 'Home & Away' the best soap on TV, then I had dinner of 2 vegetarian sausages, with diced avocado & halved cherry tomato's.

I read the paper, the shocking news is that under the New Labour morons, idiots at the MoD paid £22 each for 65p light bulbs & £103 each for £2.60 screws (Did they think they were paying for a screw in a brothel??) Even those with a low IQ among us, would know that's just plain, bloody, crazy!! How did they not question those prices? Is it any wonder they can't afford bloody equipment for our boys fighting over seas, if they spunk money up the wall on simple things like this!! 

 It's due to the lack of essentials our boys get, that I send the Soldiers/Para's I know in Iraq & Afghanistan, chocolate parcels at Xmas. As it's a hell of a place to be any time of year let alone Xmas when most of us, are all together eating too much & opening presents. They are always so grateful of such simple packages. I might have sod all, but they have even less & spend every day in danger, a bit of chocolate isn't much to sacrifice to give & you can get a free post code to send it with. 

The shocking waste on light bulbs represents a 3,000% mark up on their true retail value. An angry Defence Secretary, Dr Liam Fox said it showed a lack of common sense (your telling me!!) It's obviously crazy! Why couldn't these pen pushing idiots see that? So if you ordered 100 bulbs that would cost £2,200 as opposed to £65 at 65p a bulb & everyone knows, that you normally get a further mark down if you buy in bulk! Across the MoD there must be thousands of light bulbs bought, the amount of wasted money that amounts to is mind boggling. Money that could be spent on soldiers or equipment. Huge amounts of money could of been saved bulk buying things in the MoD, but single items, or small amounts were often ordered. We all know it's cheaper to buy in bulk, so why don't they? The light bulb supplier FEL Avionics (What does FEL stand for? Funding Electing Labour!) contract was set up by Labours Government (One way to guarantee a whole lot of Labour votes!!) 

Dr Fox said "This is classic evidence of how Labour wasted taxpayers money & shows a complete lack of common sense, no wonder they left the MoD with a budget deficit of £38Billion" Another example of Labours wastage is Labour defence secretary Geoff Hoon spent nearly £560,000 of MoD money for Modern Art in his MoD office & blew £137,000 on staff Christmas Cards & trees. Also they had to fork out £500,000 to repair 4 Sea King helicopters engines, that were damaged when shipped THE WRONG WAY UP!!

A 45ft Whale sadly died on the Kent coast after sadly beaching itself there Coastguards waited for the tide to come in to see if the still alive Sperm Whale could be saved, but it could not & now authority's were working out how to remove the body? A father who (rightly) clipped his 13yr son around the ear, while the lad was being quizzed by cops, about a shed break-in, and was nicked himself (madness!!) it's because little oiks aren't getting a clip round the ear when they deserve them, that we have so many teen criminals!! Watched the soaps then the brilliant 'Mentalist' followed by the last in the brilliant 'Fast & Loose' on BBC2 then the brilliant NCIS on Channel 5. Then chilled with my Marilyn book & crashed at 1am (Calories Consumed 1,631)

Saturday 5th March, I dreamt but I can no longer recall what about? I was woken by a text from Mike, at 8.58am saying "I sold the chair for £30 somebody called me x" The bloody idiot, I said I'd put his number on item in case people wanted more details, but I thought the idiot would at least talk to me 1st, before selling or at least tell me, since he has sold that item several others have bid for it, now I am going to have to cancel listing & could get some irate customers & some black marks on my eBay account when I have a 100% reputation at the moment!! 

So I had to log on & sort & told him he was a bloody idiot, if he'd let it continue in auction, he could of got over £50 as it had 11 viewers & only 4 bids so far! He said he'd tried to call me but I'd not picked up, well I had no missed calls alerts, plus he could of sent a text, a email or a inbox message on Facebook! I removed the item & sent a very apologetic message to the highest bidder, then posted a link to the sink to Mike on Facebook & said he could keep up on its progress from there & not to sell to somebody over the phone without telling me 1st !! 

I got up made a Coffee & Alpen for breakfast, did the washing up then did a spot of ironing. Popped to the shop for some milk & at 2.38pm I got a text from my Sister-in-law Karen saying "  Hi June. Thanx 4 Alex's 1st birthday card. Very thoughtful of you x"   I was made up, that it had arrived OK, after all the nightmares I have been having with my post (especially lately) Good, I thought, that means Auntie Babs has no doubt got her package OK too!! I replied 'Your welcome thought you would like it. it reminds me of a baby Cravendale cat in its baby grow and dummy. No thumb yet but it still held the rattle lol xx" 

In a good mood I put a funny Album of my fave pics from the People Of Walmart (off of The People Of Walmart website which you can see HERE!!I had lunch of two pittas spread with aubergine dip inside & stuffed with a chic pea salad. At 5.21pm Chris, the guy who works in finance, who I met in The Two Brewers (After my Cougar Audition) Text me saying 'Are you in London?' I said 'No but I may have some auditions in London soon, I'll let you know when, when I know when' he replied 'Grand. Let's Meet' I was feeling in a real chirpy good mood & then at 5.34pm I got a text from my brother Bill.......

Reading the contents was like a slap round the face & a kick in the guts at the same time! I had to read it 3 times over, to actually believe what I was actually reading was correct!!... I am slightly visually dyslexic & sometimes when tired or stressed my eyes jumble up words.... but no the text really was as nasty & aggressive as it at 1st seemed.... it read.....

'June, do u live on a different planet 2 the rest of us & do u not recognise sarcasm when u read it? No Alex did not receive a card from u bcos u never sent 1! Simply cing a card in a shop is not sufficient! U actually hav 2 buy it, write on it & post it b4 it has a chance of being received! If u miss out any of the stages, or in ur case all 3, the whole process falls down!!'

I sat there in shock & disbelief!!??.... Of course I didn't recognise sarcasm, as I had no reason to assume any was being thrown my way, as I DID, see, buy, write in & post the card, in fact the card was bought 3 months in advance, when I'd spotted it in JOY, so I had no reason to suspect Karen was being sarcastic, when in a text, she said, thank you for it! I was hardly going to send a text asking if they got the card OK, if I'd not sent one & rub their nose further in the fact I hadn't & then add I'd be sending Xmas gifts soon, when I can afford the post too.

Still in shock I text ..... 'No I didn't recognise sarcasm, because when I DID buy Alex a card b4 Xmas (when I saw one, too cute to resist) I saved it for for Alex's birthday, in February, I both wrote in it  & sent it in time, with a stamp!! But I had no phone credit, to text you on his Birthday too!!..... but when I did, I text to make sure you'd got it, as I have not received 3 packages & 2 application forms sent to me & two CVs & also 1 eBay parcel I sent never arrived & so I had to refunded buyer! So NO I Didn't recognise sarcasm, because I was unaware there was any reason to aim any my way. All I can say is I hope the card with the cat in a baby grow turns up & then maybe you can have a side order of Humble Pie to go with your Sarcasm!! X'

To which he then lovingly replied...... 'I must apologise June, as I didn't realise the circumstances! U must b the worlds most unlucky person with their post! I really would consider putting a complaint in! Anyway, as soon as the backlog has cleared it'll be interesting 2c what arrives 1st! Will it be Andrew's b'day card. Jess's 16th b'day card, Karen's b'day card, Alex's 1st b'day card or dare we say Alex's christening card & pressie that you "  forgot 2"  bring with you back in August! In fact I'm considering sending a strongly worded letter 2 the post myself!!'

Well I certainly recognised sarcasm, that time round, I DID buy Alex a Christening Card & Pressie & then DID Forget Alex's Christening Card back in August. Because my sister had arrived a hour earlier than expected, after work, to pick me up to go to hers before the drive to the Christening in Sheffield. As she'd got off work early, and she'd told me to hurry up when she called me from the car, as she was parked on a double yellow line. So when I rushed round lugging my case down stairs, turning off the TV lighting & heating etc in my haste & also due to being blind as a bat without my lenses in, I accidentally left Alex's card and present, in a bag sat on the kitchen counter by the door. 

I DID say I would post, but due to a load of large winter bills I was very short on money & as it got closer to Xmas, I thought Bill would probably be down, to put a Christmas Wreath on mum & dads grave & I could give it to them with their Xmas pressies, as Alex is too young to know he has yet to receive a gift. I'd Not sent Andrew a card on Dec 14th as by then I had no money left, after I'd bought Xmas presents for Bill & his Wife & his 4 kids, my Sister & her Husband, My friends, Julie, Nicky, Nat, Terry, Candie & her two boys, and I had a near empty fridge, I owed rent & had £5 in the bank which I was unable to remove without closing my bank account, so I had no money to buy a card & a stamp, however much I'd like to be able to. 

I mentioned earlier in this blog, that I was too broke to send Jessie a card for her 16th on Feb 3rd, but 16 years ago, I had spent weeks, during my breaks in my work shifts, making Jessie a bound 25 page Astrological/Numerological chart for Jessie which I gave to Bill & his 1st wife, when I saw them & her for the 1st time within the 1st two weeks of her being born. And said it was to be given to her at 16yrs. If she believed in astrology, she'd find it interesting & if she didn't she maybe amused, by what she saw as correct, or incorrect, about her. So If she didn't get it, it's because Bill or Colleen had binned my hard work, because THEY don't believe in astrology, and that's not my fault!! 

 Bill & Jessie

As for Karen's Birthday, I know its near Valentines day but don't know the exact date, off of the top of my head. Ironically it was one of the reasons I wanted Candie to send my pocket diary to me (that got lost in the post) as Karen's Birthday was listed in the back. It is also true that lots of things, have not got to me in the post & things that I have sent too. Some years I haven't received a Birthday Card from Bill & sometimes no Christmas card as arrived. I assumed it was lost or been forgotten amid being busy (I'm now wondering, with this outburst, if it was occasionally intentional) either way, I never had a chip on my shoulder about it, quite often friends that I've given both Christmas/Birthday Cards/Pressies to, don't send/give me one. But I don't like them any less for it! I doubt I will be getting the annual Easter Card this year then (not that I mind as I never celebrate Easter, its just another day & even when I was working, I never got the day off!!) So I always felt he was wasting his money sending one, but never wanted to say so, in case I offended him some how, by saying it!

I replied........'Well I recognise Sarcasm now. I had no money for food or bills, so I had no money to buy & send cards at the time for Karen, Andrew or Jessie, at the time. But I did earlier for both, Alex's 1st birthday & Christening card & prezzie. It is still sat with the Xmas gifts I'd of given you, if you had come down to mums grave before Xmas & as I text to Karen, I will now send them bit by bit (obviously by registered post) as & when I can afford to. You have no idea how difficult things are for me here, or how difficult it is finding work.... so yes I am Unlucky!!

If I was expecting some understanding from Bill, I certainly didn't get it, when I then got the biggest kick in the teeth of all, with his final text, saying..... ' June, the life u hav carved out 4 urself exactly mirrors the effort u have put in2 it! The predicament u r currently in is completely of ur own making & made worse by the fact there is nobody now 2 giv u a handout! It gives me no pleasure pointing out what deep down u must already know & it is a shame that u declined 2 join the "adult" world many yrs ago! The fact is that u never sent cards to the kids even when u were working! They hav virtually 4gotten u & moved on! I suggest u do the same!'

The Arrogant, Smug, Sanctimonious, Pious C#nt!!.... Who the Fuck does he think he is!!? Seeing that I only saw him (When mum was alive) 2-4 times a year for a few hours a time (When he came to see mum, in St Albans, as I don't have the funds, or a car, to travel to Sheffield) How the hell does he, profess to know, just how much, or how little effort I put into my life? or into getting out of the mess, a landslide of bad luck & the state of the country has got me into (Thanks in part to those Wankers Labour, who he so wisely voted into power!!) I regularly apply for 10-30 jobs "A DAY "   online, in Retail, Retail Management, Promotions, Customer Services, Receptionist,  Merchandising, Window Dressing & Sales, as well as all the Auditions too. Plus the design jobs from Drapers Records Magazine (But those who don't expect C.A.D *Computer aided Design* are few and far between!) As well as also looking at shop windows notices, and local papers, so he can go Fuck himself!!

And just who the Fuck is he referring to, as to giving me hand outs?? I am assuming by the "  No longer around "   comment he is referring to mum?? I have NEVER gone to mum for a handout EVER!!  When I was several months behind with rent, due to Benefit payment fuck ups, causing me bank charges & also my bills being so high (despite having the heating on low & only using when it was absolutely freezing indoors & when wearing a jacket & scarf indoors was not enough) In the end I had to use some cash put aside for rent, for food or bills & ended up playing a constant game of robbing Paul to give to Peter & then robbing Peter to give to Paul. 

When I had a possession order on my flat due to difficulty catching up with the rent, mum came to me saying she was planning to give us all (Bill, Julie & I) a lump sum of money on her 80th birthday (She died sadly 3 months before her 80th, so never got to give us the cash & see us spend it like she'd wanted) She said could give me some of it early, to help me out now, I said No it was OK, then she said she that she, had already given, an advance to my sister, who was also going through, some financial problems, also due to no fault of her own, so in the end I agreed!! 

Now if he considers that as getting a hand out, then my sister also got a hand out too & seeing she is married & both she & her husband both have a job, it only goes to show, even people, with two wages going into the home, are struggling!! So is it any wonder that I without anyone, or a job, to help me, is also struggling!!? But maybe it is just too much, for me to expect someone who on some months, earns a 100K monthly bonus, on top of his high wage, to realise just how hard it is to cope & get by out there, especially when HIS mortgage, for his 5 bedroom house up North, is only a couple of hundred pounds a month, more than MY flats £650 monthly rent! 

Stupidly I assumed that someone who works in finance, would have a grasp of just how hard it is to exist on £60 a week, when out of that you have to pay for Gas, Electric, Home Phone, Mobile Top Ups, TV Licence, Food, Household Cleaners, Essentials (like Toothpaste & Tampons) as well as Travel to & from numerous interviews/auditions, you can forget about things like haircuts etc!! I'd like to see how well he'd cope on it! I'd Like to see him in a flat for 6 months (so 2 quarterly bills come in) with £60 a week & see just how well he does & how many cards & presents he manages to afford to buy during that period!

As for the line "   It gives me no pleasure" ....Bullshit!! he was relishing every spiteful word & as for "  pointing out what I must already know"   (Take Your Condescending, Arrogance & Shove It Up Your Smart Arse!!) I know No Such Thing, as your talking out of your incorrect, smug, judgemental arse!! So I carved the situation I'm in out for myself did I? So basically your saying the situation I find myself in is All 'My Fault'

So is it 'My Fault' that after being on the council housing list for 31yrs (From when I left home at 16yrs to go to Art College) That I am still no higher up that list than I was 31yrs ago & having had to pay Private Landlord Rents for 31yrs, that I have had bugger all of my wages left, after paying for Rent, Bills & Food, to save towards getting a Mortgage (I wonder just how fast he would of got his 1st Mortgage, if his lawyer girlfriend, that became his 1st wife, hadn't had a large lump sum to put down, for their 1st flat? a lump sum, that she got from her divorce settlement, from her husband before Bill??) 

Is it also 'My Fault' that the owner of the home, that I'd rented for over 15years, decided to sell it & so I had limited time, to find somewhere else to live, that could fit me & all my furniture etc that I'd worked hard for years to obtain, in? Is it also 'My Fault' that I couldn't find anywhere bigger than a tiny box room, in London for around the same rent I was presently paying? and is it 'My Fault' that when my boyfriend of the time, who lived in St Albans, said "Move to St Albans it's an easy commute, your mum lives here & I can move in with you & the shared rent will be lower than you pay in London!" Is it 'My Fault' that I when I eventually found somewhere to live, in St Albans, that my Eunuch boyfriend, never moved out of his mums & I was left to deal with paying all the rent on my own & commuting (Not the plan at all!!)

Is it then 'My Fault' that when I joined the company that I worked for, in Dickens & Jones (After the previous company I worked for in Bond Street, went into liquidation, after a death in the family business brought about battles of ownership) That keen to get another job, I accepted a 5K drop in my salary, under the agreed understanding, that if I turned around the account, that was running at a loss. Putting it back in profit, that I would get a pay rise, that would take me back to my normal wage? And so after 5yrs with the company, doubling it's profits yearly & taking more money, as a one person account, than the 6 person account running at a loss before me, ever did! 

Is it 'My Fault' that when I asked for that, promised pay rise. As I'd been 6664.5% OVER Target in January (A month, when people are either, returning unwanted gifts, or buying at sale prices) That I was expecting that pay rise promise to be honoured!? As the unshared rent and commuting was crippling me financially & Not instead to be offered a piddling rise of £200 A Year

So yet again is it 'My Fault' when a Company from The Harlequin Watford, Head Hunted me & offered me a Assistant Manager job for 2K more, than I was getting, as a Manager in D&J which was also local to St Albans, so would also save me the £4K yearly commuting fare, that I took it!? 

Was it then 'My Fault' that the Manager of the NEW store I now worked in, then embezzled the company, and as a result of that he & all of the employee's he hired (one being me) were laid off, as they could not be sure that, we were not part of his embezzling team. So when I found a New, Local, Full Time, Children's Boutique Managers, day job & a Part Time evening job, as a Barmaid in a late night bar/nightclub. 

Is it 'My Fault' that after 3 months with them. A NEW, Head Office Manager took over, to save the French company that was running into difficulty's, that it didn't expect to have in the UK (Thanks to Labour fucking up the country & more & more people, due to being broke, or unemployed, resorting to shopping around online, for the best prices, rather than shopping in store!) So he decided that, some of the UK shop numbers needed cutting back. 

Is it then 'My Fault' that he decided that the rent & rates in the Rural setting of St Albans, were far too high, for the shop, that was positioned set hidden away, from the main high street shopping area & so he chose St Albans, as one of the shops, that the company should close down!? (It has since been 4 different shops, since I last worked there, so far) So I continued with my Part Time bar/club job, getting a few extra shifts, when I could, until I could find another Retail Management job, which I did. 

Was it then 'My Fault' that they took me on, knowing full well that, they would also be closing down in 3 months time (also due to, too high rent & rates) But didn't tell me? (I knew something was up, on the 1st day when, there was a guy in the shop, measuring up the entire shop) I assumed they were going to have a refit, but when the Assistant MD told us "  Not to talk to & disturb the measuring guy, as he was getting measurements, to give the landlord, to do a rent revue on!"  Now I knew instantly, that this was Bullshit, as rent is charged per square footage & that is constant & would never change, so therefore no need for any remeasuring to calculate (& the guy was measuring walls, windows & doors NOT floors) So I upped my bar shifts, knowing my time was limited, and the shop closed 3 months after I started there & became JOY who the measuring had really been done for. 

Is it 'My Fault' that I then applied for the Manager position of JOY, but didn't get the job?

So was it then 'My Fault' then that next I got Pneumonia. Also was it 'My Fault' that the doctor I called out (As I was far too ill to go to the surgery) only gave me a Asthma inhaler as a prescription, saying I had Asthma (Despite me insisting that, there was no history of Asthma in my family & I thought I actually had Pneumonia!) 

So is it 'My Fault' that because he ignored, my own & correct diagnosis, meaning I'd not been given suitable medication, it developed further, into Double Pneumonia & I came VERY close to dying! (No Get Well Card, from my Card Nazi, Brother, or any calls, or texts to see how I was & yet I felt no ill will towards him for it, nor was I sarcastic about it once I'd recovered) 

So was it 'My Fault' that, I nearly died or that due to my delay in getting the correct diagnosis of Pneumonia, that it evolved further into Double Pneumonia & that because of that, recovery took 18 months during which time I developed Pleurisy too & was weak, in a lot of pain & unable to work?? Eventually I went back to work at the club/bar & the old Manager was fired & the owner offered me the job, Great!. 

So was it 'My Fault' then when about 6 months later, I was suffering with bad pains, in my left groin & a CAT Scan discovered a tumour, which needed to be cut out. Luckily once removed & tested it turned out to be benign. 

But is it 'My Fault' that while I was in hospital being operated on, and recovering, the owner sold the bar/club to developers? 

Is it also 'My Fault' that while recovering from the operation, that I was told we were all being laid off, as the new owners were closing the bar/club. (Again no get well card or call/text from my Brother, but unlike him I wasn't expecting one, as my right! Nor did I judge him for it) 

So is it 'My Fault' that I searched & applied for job after job, even in the St Albans stores who pay 10-15K less, than for the same job I did London (Despite the St Albans cost of living, being just as high, or higher, than it is in parts of London) With no luck & applying for over 20 London Jobs, a day. Either getting no replies, or being told I'm over qualified, or not making it through to the final interview, or being told I live a bit too far away, to be a key holder (I'd have to travel out in wee hrs, to the shop if a alarm went off) 

Then is it 'My Fault' that next, I developed agonising Gallstones, with regular excruciating attacks & that I had to suffer for 9 months before getting my NHS operation, to remove my Gallbladder & Gallstones (Again no card or call  from brother, but yet again I didn't have a problem with it!) After some recuperation from the operation, I was feeling the best I'd felt in ages, & I was beginning to feel positive again & had a few interviews lined up!! 

So was it 'My Fault' that my mum suddenly died from an aneurysm in her groin, with no warning & turned my whole world upside down, devastating me & breaking my heart & with no family, or friends close by, causing me a mini break down, due to Bereavement Reactive Depression? I still applied for Jobs & went for interviews which I didn't get (Not that I'm really surprised, as I was not in the right state to be going on them!!) 

Was it 'My Fault' that my mums funeral, was on the same day I was meant to sign on? & was it 'My Fault' that when I went to see the DHSS, to ask if I could sign on, either a day early, or a day late? That I was told, NO!! I had to sign off & apply for Sickness Benefit, as I was in no fit state to work. I attested this, but they were not taking NO for an answer (No doubt under orders due to Labours attempts at fiddling the unemployment figures) 

Is it also 'My Fault' that Watford's Sickness Benefit dept, is so inept that for 6 months, it failed to pay me a single penny into my bank account (If that's what they put someone through, who's on the edge, due to depression, what the hell does someone, with just a bad leg get treated like??) Meaning that my direct debits, could not be paid & I was getting bank charges at £25 a time, for each one, that couldn't be paid (which was automatically, taken out of my housing money, by my bank, when it went into my account) making me short & so unable to pay the rent & some of the red bills (some of which also charged me for late payments) I had no food, left or any money for more food for 6 months, while I was a ill, gibbering wreck.

So I had to either use the rent money that the bank had eaten into (for bank charges) for food, or experience the humiliation of being fed at a variety of different friends homes, like a down & out. Meanwhile, getting further & further in debt. Due to their failure to pay me, what I was owed/entitled to, as some office moron, kept on feeding in, the wrong bank account codes for my bank, time after time!! This continued despite being made (by them) to go to Watford 3 times, on 3 lots of borrowed £5 for bus fares (As I had no local Alliance & Leicester, as it had closed down 4yrs ago, also not my fault) To get a form filled in & stamped by the bank, with my correct details (which was a waste of my time & of £15 as the Benefit office morons, just ignored the forms that, I'd spent time & money getting filled in & stamped by my bank & just continued to put in the wrong code, that continued to NOT send me any money!!) making me more in debt, plus more & more ill, with stress & lack of food. 

So by the time finally I got the 6 months back paid money, that I was owed. The bank charges & red bills & a backlog of rent, meant it was all eaten up & I was still left several months in arrears, which my 3rd of mums left over money (After the cost of her funeral) that I got in the end, cleared off the most of, but not all! So I have been a month in arrears, & trying to catch up on my rent ever since & as yet, I've had no way of catching up (Unlike my siblings who got to spend their 3rd on a holiday, or some treat for themselves) Is all that really 'My Fault?' Have I really brought ALL of that on myself?? 

As for 'it is a shame that u declined 2 join the " adult"   world many yrs ago!'  what the hell is that supposed to mean?? In what way have I declined to 'join the " adult"   world ? By not having a mortgage? Having to pay Private Landlord's rent prices for 31yrs (While waiting on a council housing list, while immigrants jump ahead of me on the list) I have never had enough to save for a deposit, and unlike him, I haven't had a partner, with a big divorce settlement to help contribute, let alone to provide the whole large lump sum for my 1st mortgage! like his Ex wife did for him. 

Or does he mean because at almost 47yrs I am not, nor have I ever been married? Well I haven't met Mr Right!  (maybe because I can't afford to go out to socialise & meet someone) So surly not just marrying anyone, or for money, or just for the sake of being married, to someone, is being an " adult" Or does he mean that auditioning for acting jobs is immature? Well then there are a lot of Immature people collecting Oscars & appearing on his TV then! I think seeing I'm applying for so many NORMAL jobs & having no luck, I think it's" adult" to put my eggs in more than just one basket & broaden my options & at the moment, it's the only thing I'm actually getting any response from. 

Surely if I was someone who 'declined 2 join the " adult"   world many yrs ago!' I would be applying for loads of credit cards & running them up to the max, to pay rent & bills at a large interest rate, to have a life style, that I can ill afford, living beyond my means & Not being frugal like I am! 

Or I'd be taking a load of drugs to escape my troubles, like those you see day in & day out, on Jeremy Kyle. I don't like having times where I can't afford to send my nieces, or nephews birthday cards! But I think accepting I don't have the funds to do what I'd like, and focusing on making sure I get the best Christmas pressies I can afford, my siblings & my nieces & nephews each year is being Adult! I think they are old enough to understand my situation & know it's nothing personal & as they are spoilt rotten by their parents, surely they are not so materialistic that they only like Aunty's and Uncles depending on how many material things that they give!

The most hurtful & untrue dig of all is "The fact is that u never sent cards to the kids even when u were working! They hav virtually 4gotten u & moved on! I suggest u do the same!" Which is not only cruel, but a bloody out & out lie!! When I was working, not only did I send the kids Birthday Cards, but they also got Birthday Presents as well!! My Brother has either a VERY POOR or a VERY SELECTIVE memory!! Not only that, but they were far from cheap presents too!! 

When he just had the two girls, Jessica & Katy, when Katy was 1 & Jessie about 3yrs (when I worked for a Designer Children's wear company in Harvey Nichols) They were going on their 1st foreign holiday together as sisters & I got Jessie this cute frilled turquoise swimsuit, with a small tropical fruit print, and Katy the matching swimming briefs. The swimsuit was £60 & the briefs £30 making that a £90 present, admittedly as staff I got a 5% discount, meaning I spent £85.50 on them for their birthday that year (Yet my brother has it in his warped mindset, that I didn't even get them Birthday Cards, when I was working) WRONG!!!

Being a man he probably didn't appreciate their designer worth, at the time & probably thought the two bathing costumes came to £20 or less all together. I hate the way he is trying to paint me as a tight-wad. I always try & get him & his family the best Christmas presents I can afford. As I can't afford to do much, the rest of the year at the moment & I go out of my way searching for things, that I think they'd like, they get the most money spent on them than for anyone else when broke & when I had a stable full time job. 

I'd spend a fortune on them, before now Bill has got a £60 Versace keyring, Versace fragrances, etc. One year both he & Julie got a crate of 6 white & 6 red, fine wines that I had delivered to Sheffield & to my Sister's, which was far from cheap. But I didn't buy expensive things to buy his affections (Which anyway would of been apparently a waste of time, as it seems he has never even recollected them) But the same way I never expected gold stars, or praise, for the expensive things I bought, over the years, I also never expected to receive bullying & abusive texts, for the things I was (due to circumstances) unable to buy! 

It seems a bit of pre printed folded cardboard arriving through his door, on time, is more important to him, than his own Sister being able to eat or pay a bill. Luckily for him, he doesn't have a Sister that judges him the way he judges her (And he has been far from a saint over the years) If I was like him, I'd be turning my nose up, when I've known some of my Xmas presents have come from the Pound Shop. Or when I received a size 14 M&S nightie (When I was a size 8-10) Which hung off me like a tent & when I took it to M&S to exchange for a size 8 one, I found out they didn't have any & I couldn't exchange it for anything else either, as it had gone down to 50p in the sale 3 months earlier! I didn't kick off that I'd been given an over sized 50p nightie, when between them they have a wage of over £200K a year. Nor did I, when I got nail clippers & nail scissors, which I can't use, except on my toes. As I get my nails coated with acrylic once a month to strengthen them (My only treat) Because I'm not like that & anyway the fact that I wouldn't be able to use them, probably never occurred to them that I couldn't use them on my nails & I appreciate whatever I get, expensive or not! It's the thought not the cost that counts, I give because I want to give & I do not give to receive. But when I don't give it's because I simply can't, not because I can't be bothered, or don't want to! 

If I don't send a card, it's simply because I just can't afford to, not because I cant be bothered or can't remember them. They have only 1 date to recall for me. I have to recall 6 dates for them, but I know all 6 of their Birthdays (OK all 5 now that my pocket diary Candie sent me in the post with Karen's Birthday in the back, has been lost in the post!) But he is looking down his nose & trying to make me out as a bad Aunt. But If I really didn't care, would I have sat for 22hrs straight from 7am to 5am, only stopping to pee or fix something to eat, creating a 25 page astrological/numerological chart for Alex (Even if my Brother doesn't appreciate the effort that was put into it, or it's unique value) I knew for a long time, that Bill looked down on me, but until I received those those texts, I had no idea just how much contempt he held for me!

I wonder just how good an Uncle he is? How often he keeps in touch with his nephew Chris (Julie's son) or how much of an effort he has made to stay in contact, with his nieces Alison, Teresa & Adele, or with his other two nephews Lewis or Martin? If he wants to throw down the gauntlet & paint me as the Bad Birthday Aunt, how many of their Birthdays does he know?? I know all my siblings & nephew & niece's Birthdays .....

Chris Jan 20th, Jessica Feb 3rd, Martin Feb 16th, Alison Feb 23rd, Alex Feb 25th, (Brother) Bill May 5th, Katy June 4th, Adele June 13th,(Brother) Allen's June 28th (Sister) Julies Sept 15th, Lewis Oct 11th, Teresa Oct 15th (Brother) Terry's Nov 5th & Andrew Dec 14th..... My Sisters wedding Anniversary is on her Husband Erdal's Birthday on May 15th & Bills is on August 27th, I am also in contact with Chris, Adele, Lewis, Teresa & Alison, I don't think Pious Uncle Bill, can say the same!

I Do Love my Brother, but right now I dislike him, almost to the point of bordering on hatred. I hardly recognise him as the person he use to be (admittedly even as kids he use to give me dead legs & join in with the kids bullying me on the school coach, rather than stick up for me) But as young adults we were close & use to really talk & have a laugh. He use to moan about dad being a racist, bigot, but over the years, he has got to be much worse than dad, with some borderline homophobia creeping in. I don't know if that's a Northern influence (Those people from that Yorkshire village on 'Love Thy Neighbour' were certainly Cold, Judgemental & Bigoted & NOT the so called friendly Northerners of the typecast, we hear about in the South!) 

Or maybe the influence of the type of people he works/socialises with? are they all a bunch of bankers? I have often seen him look down his nose at me, or be condescending towards me. I honestly think he has no concept, of quite how intelligent I am! As he often talks to me as if I'm an idiot, or poo poos what I say & brushes it aside without even listening to what I was about to say. It's quite amazing that I have socialised with MPs, Aristocrats, Court Judges, Members of the House Of Lords, Celebrity's, Barristers, Authors, Business Tycoon's etc & I am often told, that I'm an intelligent & fascinating woman, by them. 

Yet my brother often talks to me as if I am an Imbecile & seems to think he knows exactly what I'm about & how I live my life. Without ever having a proper conversation with me, in years & while rarely seeing me, all this while living 100s of miles away! He must be psychic!! Yet I never judge him, even though he has done/said much in his life, that I ethically or morally do not agree with at all, or that has been very hurtful to me (Whether intentional or not!) and I still wish nothing but the best for him, even after his extremely cruel, spiteful & unwarranted tirade today!

I spent that entire night crying my eyes out, the chipper mood I was in after Karen's initial text & the Texts from Chris, were a very distant memory, 'Take Me Out' was on. But I can't tell you anything about it, other than there was a guy dressed like a wizard with a crystal ball. I can't tell you of a single program after that either I was in such shock & so hurt, I just stared into space & wept all night. I felt like a vice, was crushing the back of my head, between my two ears, and my eyes hurt like they had been punched, I knew a stress induced migraine was on it's way. I went to bed at 10pm but I was so stressed & hurt I didn't sleep until some time after 6am (Calories consumed 1,558)

Sunday 6th March, I know I dreamt & I was somewhere abroad, confused as to how I'd got there, without a passport? That's all I recall. I woke with a killer migraine, no doubt brought on from the stress inflicted from my Brother. I feel like I have two black eyes from two punches, that were still smarting. It was sunny out but my head & eyes were smarting so much I couldn't open the curtains & had to wear sunglasses in the house, as even the defused light was hurting my eyes. Even now at 5.30pm I am only able to sit at my laptop typing this in small bits, with breaks in between, while wearing sunglasses. 

I got out of bed head pounding earlier at 2.30pm once the nausea that comes, hand in hand with a Migraine had worn off, my neck and shoulders (already bad) are extra stiff and painful, no doubt made worse from the stress of yesterday. I got on the skales, oddly since I stopped taking the diet pills, that I was testing (which I gained weight on!!) I have lost one & a quarter pounds!! I pulled on a tracksuit & got the paper in my sunglasses, but my migraine was too bad to read it, I  had some Alpen as although I felt very sick, I was hungry. 

I lay in the darkened room in sunglasses, in pain all afternoon, still chocked up wondering what Mum would of thought of Bills outburst? Both Bill & Karen have left their very well paid jobs to start up on there own. So they should know even more now, the stress of not knowing where the next penny is coming from, which I endure daily! They wouldn't be doing it if they didn't already have a sizeable nest egg, to survive on tucked away, or think they'd make even more money working for themselves, and I hope it works out for them. Maybe they didn't poach as many of their old company's customers away with them, as they'd hoped & things are not progressing as fast as they'd like & maybe that might be, what's behind his vicious text ...who knows?  I had a pitta with coleslaw in & some Branston Mini Cheddars for tea at 8pm & went back to bed to sleep at 9pm, still in a lot of pain, both physically & emotionally! What started as a positive week, has hit the lowest depts, I can only hope the next week gets better, surely it can't be any worse? (Calories consumed 1,800)

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